> A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
> >clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
> > The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
> >perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
> > Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
> >dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
> > As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
> >wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
> > The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
> >radar detector went off when it did."
> > As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
> >detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
> >"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" >
> > The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're e not wearing
> >your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
> > The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
> >it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
> >back pocket."
> > The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
> >your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
> > And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
> >turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
> > The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
> >always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
> > (I love this part....)
> > "Only when he's ! been drinking"
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.
"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme, " the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."
"It's a brand new Cadillac, " the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD player in the dash, etc...."
"Wow, " said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"That'll be $30.25, " he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive, " said the man.
"Goodness, " said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."
> Subject: Good Communication
> It goes like this...............................
> A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
> although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
> with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
> "Honey, I'll be right back."
> Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
> I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
> The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
> She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
> of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
> India, etc.
> The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
> think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
> have frozen glasses...
> He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
> by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
> She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
> getting chills just holding it.
> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
> they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
> really delicious ... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
> "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
> She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
> chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
> "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
> dirty words and all that..."
> "You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
> "LISTEN UP, ****HEAD! DRINK YOUR F##KING BEER IN YOUR G#DD#MN FROZEN
> MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF##KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU' RE MARRIED NOW, AND
> YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, *******?"
There was a french-canadian lineman who lived way, way, WAY up north. He was one of the few who was willing to work outside in all kinds of weather; 40 below (40 below C = 40 below F, remember!) and winds that made it feel like it was 60 below were no problem for him. He worked transmission lines on H fixtures crossing the frozen white tundra where no bucket truck, and few men would dare venture, for six months at a time.
The cold didn't really bother him; what got to him more was the lack of women and having to go without, every winter, for six months at a time.
After six months of hooking poles, the weather finally turned a little better. The lineman headed for the closest town with a 'house of ill repute', so as to relieve his tension.
As he walked into the house, the madame looked him over and could not believe what she saw! The lineman had the physique of a bodybuilder from all the climbing and lifting he had been doing all winter.
She asked the lineman what he was interested in, and he said "I like dat blond slip of a girl over der, hey!" So, the madame took him over and told him to get acquainted with her.
The blond girl could not believe her eyes, and exclaimed "Wow! You are huge, what do you do, lift weights all day?" To which the lineman replied, "No, I climb de poles all day, every day, for six monts in de froze forests north of de James Bay."
The girl was impressed, and told him so. "You are huge! How big are your biceps?", to which the lineman - who did not believe in the metric system, of course - replied "36 inches, from de tape!" (meaning from the tape measure, of course).
The girl was amazed. "And your chest?", she asked. "56 inches, from de tape!", he replied. So how big are your quads?", she asked. "46 inches, from de tape!" replied the lineman.
The girl looked at him in wide eyed amazement, and finally, out of concern for her own safety, asked what she had been dying to know all along, "So how big is IT then, Mr. Lineman?", she said, with a look of concern on her face.
"Two inches!" replied the lineman.
The girl's jaw dropped! How could this be?, she wondered.
"From the tape?", she asked the lineman.
"No", said the lineman with a laugh, "FROM DE FLOOR!"
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says,
"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is
leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like,
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his
wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it
needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.
Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His
wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's
walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty
hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!
Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found
that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through
the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any
more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the
mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man.
He came over and fixed everything."
"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.
"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake
or had sex with him." she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.
"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Well its about time someone put some of those high and mighty broadcasters back in thier place, well down by the general. Sadly some rights group will lobby for the generals dismissal and the bleeding hearts may win out!!!!!!!
Benign... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize... Made eye contact with her.
Colic... A sheep dog.
Coma... A punctuation mark.
D&C... Where Washington is.
Dilate... To live long.
Enema... Not a friend.
Fester... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula... A small lie.
G.I.Series... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.
Node... I knew it.
Outpatient... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room... Place to do upholstery.
Rectum... **** near killed him.
Secretion... Hiding something
Seizure... Roman emperor.
Tablet... A small table.
Terminal Illness... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor... More than one.
Urine... Opposite of mine.
Varicose... Near by/close by