How About A Joke Thread

[harley]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

[lineman641]

Math

Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Please read more about the "history of teaching math":

Teaching Math In 1950

************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960

************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970

************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980

*********************** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990

************************ By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005

************************El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............




And we wonder why jobs requiring intelligence are being outsourced??

[Paige]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm
them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes
back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She
says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears*
ever get cold?"

[rusty]

An Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!

[harley]

01. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

02. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

03. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

04. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

05. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

06. A dog's parents never visit.

07. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

08. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

09. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

[Paige]

Rusty; Harley: ROFLMAO

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the
chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older
horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer
didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kinds
of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

[Lizzy Borden]

What are two words that will end your sex life?


Wedding cake!

[topgroove]

Politically incorrect bumper stickers



Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called
...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to America
...now speak English

[harley]

A newlywed couple wanted to join the local church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed but after only two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. As the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was simply unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. Finally, on Tuesday afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."

[rick]

Subject: Big Butt


A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie

[rick]

> A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
> >clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
> >
> > The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
> >perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
> >
> > Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
> >dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
> >
> > As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
> >wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
> >
> > The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
> >radar detector went off when it did."
> >
> > As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
> >detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
> teeth,
> >"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" >
> > The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're e not wearing
> >your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
> >
> > The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
> >it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
> >back pocket."
> >
> > The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
> >your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
> >
> > And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
> >turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
> >
> > The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
> >always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
> >
> > (I love this part....)
> >
> >
> > "Only when he's ! been drinking"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[rick]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they
stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year. "
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the
same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

[rick]

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.

"What can I do fer y'all?" the attendant asked.

"Fill it with supreme, " the man said.



While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down and sideways. "What kinda car is dis here?" he asked. "I never seen one like it before."

"It's a brand new Cadillac, " the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, a DVD player in the dash, etc...."

"Wow, " said the attendant. "That there's the fanciest car I ever did see."

"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.

"That'll be $30.25, " he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.



"What're them little things there?" asked the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive, " said the man.

"Goodness, " said the attendant. "Them Cadillac people think of everything."

[rick]

>
> Subject: Good Communication
>
> It goes like this...............................
>
> A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
> although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
> with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
> "Honey, I'll be right back."
>
> Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
> I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
>
> The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
> She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
> of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
> India, etc.
>
> The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
> think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
> have frozen glasses...
>
> He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
> by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"
> She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
> getting chills just holding it.
>
> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar
> they have those hors d'oeuvres that are
> really delicious ... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise.
> OK?"
>
> "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"
> She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
> chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
>
> "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing,
> dirty words and all that..."
>
> "You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
>
> "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F##KING BEER IN YOUR G#DD#MN FROZEN
> MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF##KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU' RE MARRIED NOW, AND
> YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
>

[Paige]

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check,
he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and
tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with
annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some
a$$hole's got my pen."

[BPUman]

There was a french-canadian lineman who lived way, way, WAY up north. He was one of the few who was willing to work outside in all kinds of weather; 40 below (40 below C = 40 below F, remember!) and winds that made it feel like it was 60 below were no problem for him. He worked transmission lines on H fixtures crossing the frozen white tundra where no bucket truck, and few men would dare venture, for six months at a time.

The cold didn't really bother him; what got to him more was the lack of women and having to go without, every winter, for six months at a time.

After six months of hooking poles, the weather finally turned a little better. The lineman headed for the closest town with a 'house of ill repute', so as to relieve his tension.

As he walked into the house, the madame looked him over and could not believe what she saw! The lineman had the physique of a bodybuilder from all the climbing and lifting he had been doing all winter.

She asked the lineman what he was interested in, and he said "I like dat blond slip of a girl over der, hey!" So, the madame took him over and told him to get acquainted with her.

The blond girl could not believe her eyes, and exclaimed "Wow! You are huge, what do you do, lift weights all day?" To which the lineman replied, "No, I climb de poles all day, every day, for six monts in de froze forests north of de James Bay."

The girl was impressed, and told him so. "You are huge! How big are your biceps?", to which the lineman - who did not believe in the metric system, of course :) - replied "36 inches, from de tape!" (meaning from the tape measure, of course).

The girl was amazed. "And your chest?", she asked. "56 inches, from de tape!", he replied. So how big are your quads?", she asked. "46 inches, from de tape!" replied the lineman.

The girl looked at him in wide eyed amazement, and finally, out of concern for her own safety, asked what she had been dying to know all along, "So how big is IT then, Mr. Lineman?", she said, with a look of concern on her face.

"Two inches!" replied the lineman.

The girl's jaw dropped! How could this be?, she wondered.

"From the tape?", she asked the lineman.

"No", said the lineman with a laugh, "FROM DE FLOOR!" :D

[Paige]

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says,
"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is
leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like,
Mr. Plumber??

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his
wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it
needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His
wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's
walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof!
Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"
and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty
hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!

Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found
that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through
the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any
more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the
mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man.
He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake
or had sex with him." she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

[rusty]

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[lightningrod]

Well its about time someone put some of those high and mighty broadcasters back in thier place, well down by the general. Sadly some rights group will lobby for the generals dismissal and the bleeding hearts may win out!!!!!!!

[topgroove]

Hillbilly Medical Terms

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Benign... What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan... Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize... Made eye contact with her.
Colic... A sheep dog.
Coma... A punctuation mark.
D&C... Where Washington is.
Dilate... To live long.
Enema... Not a friend.
Fester... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula... A small lie.
G.I.Series... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.
Node... I knew it.
Outpatient... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room... Place to do upholstery.
Rectum... Damn near killed him.
Secretion... Hiding something
Seizure... Roman emperor.
Tablet... A small table.
Terminal Illness... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor... More than one.
Urine... Opposite of mine.
Varicose... Near by/close by
__________________

[Paige]

Actual Court Transcripts:
--------------------------
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!

--------------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

--------------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

--------------------
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

--------------------
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
present information from your minds, if you have any.

--------------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

--------------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted
to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints
on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

--------------------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

--------------------
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

--------------------
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

--------------------
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

--------------------
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

--------------------
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

--------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

--------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

--------------------
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

--------------------
Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

-----------------------
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.

-----------------------------
Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I
was doing an autopsy!

[Paige]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked,
Bring beer....

[Paige]

Horsie ride
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of
the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches
his folks in 'the act'.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

[Paige]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting
on the front porch with her bags packed.

He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going
to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him
"I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I
give you for free."

He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his
bags and returned to the porch and his wife.

She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

He replied, "I'm going, too."

"Why?" she asked.

He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."

[Paige]

Three women - One German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were
sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her
forearm and the beeped stopped. The others looked at her
questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her
palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my
cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone,
she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She
stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned
with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting
a fax! !"

[Rickey]

A man walked into the Women's Dept. at Macy's in New York City.
He told the sales lady, " I would like a Baptist Bra for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Baptist Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady."We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic Bra or the Salvation Army Bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, " So, what are the differences?"

The lady responded, "Well, it's quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen. The Presbyterian keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused at that for a moment and then asked,"So, what's the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of mole hills."

IF YOU NEED SOME MORE INFORMATION -- HERE'S SOME MORE.

A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a Reduction
H. Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

[Paige]

Swamp, Rickey. . . . LMAO

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his
birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing
it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the
old lady and pulling at her cloths. He managed to get her blouse
and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits
I've ever seen."

[Paige]

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing
how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife
is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought
$300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even
have a fridge big enough to keep it in!

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his
wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000
on a new car", he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to
drive!"

The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two
women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and
got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when
I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation
to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have
taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even
have a penis!"

[blueeyed_dancer78]

My friend sent this joke to me and I thought it was pretty funny!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who's the Boss?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Here, try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

[harley]

A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his
Sportster fixed. They couldn't do it while he
waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped
at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an
anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, he now had a problem: how to
carry all of his purchases home.
The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
under each arm and carry the goose in your other
hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he
went. In the parking lot he was approached by a
little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a
matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull
up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a
bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How
in heck could I possibly hold you up against the
wall and do that?"

The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with
the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and
I'll hold the chickens."

[blueeyed_dancer78]

I found this one and thought it was funny and oh so true!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut and then sigh deeply and turn away from the mirror.
* Pee (in the toliet).
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray shower with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check face for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your penis in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your armpits.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your privates and surrounding area, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire penis size.
*Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

[Paige]

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife.
The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," the man says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

[Paige]

A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese
men are seated. When she gets to the table, the
waitress notices that the three men are furiously
masturbating.

She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?"

One man replies, "We all very hungry!"

She answers, "But why are you jerking off?"

Another man answers, "Because menu say 'First Come,
First Served!”

[brock landers]

A woman goes to a bar with some girlfriends after work one night. When she walks up to order a drink, a man sitting at the bar leans over and whispers in her ear " I could fill your p*ssy full of ice cream and eat it all."
She runs home, and finds her husband in the Lazy-Boy watching T.V. and he asks how her night was.
"You wouldn't believe what this man at the bar said to me, he said he could fill my p*ssy full of ice cream and eat it all!"
Her husband didn't say anything. Then she said, " Well, aren't you going to do anything about it?"
He replied, " Hell no, I ain't f*ckin' with no one that can eat that much ice cream"

[Paige]

After 29 years of marriage, a woman decided she needed to
do something to spice up her marriage.

She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put
them on, walked up to her husband and said, "Do you want
some of this?"

He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those panties!"

[Paige]

This is funny!!

[Paige]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She
turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about
women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV,
I think about women. Everything seems to make me think
about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat
down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are
you a real cowboy?"

He replied, " I always thought I was, but I just found out
I'm a lesbian.

[harley]

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile," So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Danish."

[Paige]

Q. What do cowpies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb man who had 75 lb testicles?
A. He was half nuts.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both spend more time in your wallet.

Q. What sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mom.

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

[Paige]

Redneck car alarm. . . . . . . . . . .

[harley]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio city park.

The notes below are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Ed, who was
visiting from Fallbrook, Ca.

Ed: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment . And
I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event: (Ed is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Ed) Holy Moly what the hell is in this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face. These hicks are out of their
minds.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting frog- faced
from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is
starting to look HOT...just like the is nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 --Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I messed myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[harley]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and when I confront him, he denies every- thing. What's
worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked
for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullsh!t
with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter
went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I
may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,
Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore --
You're a United States Senator from New York, act like it!

[Short-Timer]

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee
and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three
men started
talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is
so successful
that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a
multi-line dealership.
He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
stockbroker, and
he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of business.
The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours
doing?


The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a
gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally
thrilled about
the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave
him a
house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

[harley]

I know this is very chauvinistic but it just cracked me up because I can
relate to it and I KNOW a lot of you can too!
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their
accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures
have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your
gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet ! and place cash inside.
17.Write deposit amount in check register a nd place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand-bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver
waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[harley]

A group of seniors were sitting around the bar at the Moose in Eustis, Fl talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, "volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.

"THANK GOD WE CAN STILL DRIVE!"

[LostArt]

Heh. Speaking of senior citizens, here is one carrying her weight and BEERing up to it!

[harley]

now that's my kind of woman

[toptie]

Delbert and Earl was driving around one Saturday afternoon. Delbert said they had drank probably three beers or eighteen, when they got pulled over by a State highway patrolman for evidentally crossing the center line. The trooper walked up to their car and asked for all the usual stuff, after just a moment he asked Delbert, who was the driver how many beers he had drank that day? Delbert exclaimend non sir! The trooper then asked how do you explain that Budwieser label on your forehead? Delbert replied I'm on the patch.

[toptie]

A little boy walked up to his mom one day and asked, mom do all maids go to heaven when they die? Mom answered, why honey I dont really know, what would make you ask a question like that? The little boy said I just wandered because after school yesterday, I walked into the kitchen and Daddy was trying to hold the maid down in the floor and she kept yelling ollllle lord I'm coming....

[duckhunter]

A lady walks in to a sporting goods store to get her husband something for his birthday. After looking around she finds a rod and reel combo and heads for the checkout. At the checkout counter the guy behind the counter has a white cane and is wearing dark glasses. She says to the teller, "I'd like to buy this". The teller say" Well maam as you can see I'm blind, but if you will just drop what ever you have on the counter I'll be able to tell by the sound what it is and what it costs. The lady is sceptical but does as hes tells her. The blind man says " Oh, that's a 6ft Fenglass spinning rod with a Mitchell 300 reel and 6 pound Stren monofiliment, that will be $50.50". The lady says "I'll take it can it be boxed, it's a gift?" The teller walks off to get a box and the lady feels a rumble in her stomach. She looks around and noone is real close so she let's one go. When the tell comes back he says "OK, that will be $60.50" the lady says "You told me $50.50". The teller says yeah for the rod and reel, but its $7.00 for the duck call and $3.00 for the catfish stink bait".

[toptie]

A father and his son were loungeing on their front porch one hot lazy evening, alongside with their faithful purebred mut dog, buddy. Buddy reached down and around and proudly licked his wang. The son said dad I sure wish I could do that! Daddy pronouncly hollered boy! that dog will bite you!

[harley]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic


When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[harley]

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty dollars...," she says.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide into the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."

[toptie]

While waiting in a bus station for his bus, a man went to the public restroom to take a dump. Almost through he noticed there was no toliet paper. He noticed a set of feet in the next stall so he tapped on the petition and asked psst hey man is there any toilet paper over there? The guy said you know what there sure is'nt. A few minutes went bye and the first man tapped again and asked, say man is there any newspapers or magazines over there? The man said you know what there sure aint. A few more minutes went bye and the first man tapped again, psssst! hey man you got change for a $20?

[Lizzy Borden]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty
and so is your head

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn I'm good at telling lies

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

[Lizzy Borden]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?






Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get REALLY ugly.

[Lizzy Borden]

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,
then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having
smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having
made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim
against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small
fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.) In delivering the ruling, the
judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The
judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company
in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is
considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare
cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months
in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS.

[toptie]

A fellow was taking his hillbilly friend for a ride in his single engine piper cub plane. After they were at cruising altitude for a short while the hillbilly got nosey and started asking questions. He pointed to the fuel gauge asking what is that? His buddy replied that tells me how much fuel I have. He then pointed to the altimiter guage asking what it was? His buddy replied that tells me how high we are. Then after several more boring questions the hillbilly pointed to the propeller and asked what is that? About fed up with the whole ordeal he answered thats my fan! Hillbilly said well why is it on? it's not hot in here , the piliot answered well you just let that damn thing quit spinning an see if you don't go to sweating!

[lineman641]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
>Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your behind.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

[Outlaw Lineman]

SWAMPRAT, If that ain't the truth I don't know what is!!!

[Outlaw Lineman]

Yeah I know my place too :-) Right beside the best woman God put on this earth. She keeps me in check. Does Mrs. Swamprat do the same?

[harley]

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that

Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a

real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million

Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why

kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you

no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

[LostArt]

Swamp, you posted that TWICE! Is it a REMINDER????

Heh.

Do you guys read in the bathroom? Our light went out in the bathroom last night and the boss was trying to fix it with his back out(yes, again). The valance thingy, or what ever the thing is called, went out. He told our neighbor tonight that he had to get it fixed. I'm listening to this conversation and I tell the neighbor it can wait til the weekend. The boss looks at me and says, "No way! I can't read every morning!" Oh brother. Sheesh.

[harley]

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a
country inn. The last time there, he'd finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper's daughter. Again looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged
his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and then stopped short. There sat his
lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned
you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten
married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks
found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[Moe]

> Poker Player
>
>
> Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally
> dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick
> them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her
> dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
> head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the
> kitchen to get some refreshments.
>
>
> Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked
> under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted
> that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will
> cost you $500."
>
>
> Aftering a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
> this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
> since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John
> should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
>
>
> When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m.
> sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the
> bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and
> left.
>
>
> As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,
> asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
> With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a
> few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
> husband curtly asked,
> "And did he give you $500?"
>
>
> In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her
> best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill,
> with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I
> was hoping he did. John came by the office this
> morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house
> this
> afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
>
> Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
>
>

[lightningrod]

Moe, that one has to be one of the best ones I've heard in a while.

[Moe]

> An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist
> for the little blue " Viagra " pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The
> man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four
> pieces."
>
> The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.. That won't get you through
> sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even
> think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I
> don't pee on my new shoes...
>

[harley]

I was walking down the street when I noticed
Swamprat sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair,
with nothing on from the waist down.
"Swamprat, what are you doing?" I exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not
answer me.

"Swamprat, what are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" I asked again.

The old man slyly looked at me and said, "Well, last
week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff
neck. This was Mrs. Swamprat's idea!"

[harley]

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looked over at a nearby table and saw a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asked, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes," she replies. "He is my ex-husband, and he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's really remarkable," her husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long".

[harley]

I'm always looking for ways to help my fellow man.

[toptie]

A passenger jet was making a transcontinental flight. .....all of a sudden the pilot came on the intercom and announced that the craft had developed a major engine malfunction and that he was going to have to sit the craft down in the ocean. He then said the craft was designed to float for a couple of hours before completely sinking. He also informed them that after the water landing he would come back to them with further instructions.. He set the big airliner down and then husseld back through the asile instuctioning them that for all of them that could swim to please go out onto the left wing and he would be right with them. He then told the rest of them to go out on the rightwing. Everybody went where the needed to go . The pilot then went back to the left wing and said " look here people there is land that way pointing, about 1/2 amile, yall take off swimming and I'll be right behind you. He then skirmished back out onto the right wing and proclaimed " the rest of yall I would like to thank you for fling AirFrance! :D

[Moe]

Top Ten Most Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down.........
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson...

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

[lineman641]

>>Subject: Bill Gates' Speech

>>To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates

>>recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not

>>and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,

>>politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept

of reality and

>>how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

>>Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

>>Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will

>>expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about

>>yourself.

>>Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

>>You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

>>Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

>>Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your

>>Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it

>>opportunity.

>>Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine

>>about your mistakes, learn from them.

>>Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they

>>are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your

>>clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.

>>So before you

>> save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try

>>delousing the closet in your own room.

>>Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but

>>life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and

>>they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

>>This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

>>Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off

>>and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do

>>that on your own time.

>>Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually

>>have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

>>Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

>> If you agree, pass it on.

>> If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

>> If you are reading it in English-Thank a soldier!!

[LostArt]

I'm always looking for ways to help my fellow man.

I about died on what you did with Swamp. That was just too funny Harley. :D

(Thanks Barehander, for the cartoon below).

Here's a true story and most of you men can relate to this.....

The boss and I were going out to dinner with a few friends. This rarely happens because he would rather stay home. You know, mind the fort. Or should I say, "smash his @ss".

I come out all gussyed up and say, "Honey, does this look okay on me?" He looked up and said, "This is one of those trick questions, isn't it dear?"

:D

[Moe]

This married couple is sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for some time
now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband who has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long."

Services will be held on Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

[harley]

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the minister replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Moe]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose and is still heavily
sedated from a 4 hour operation. A young nurse appears in his
room to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind his mask, "are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies," I don't know, I'm only
here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand,
takes a close look, and says," There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly,
"That was very nice but listen very, very closely---
Are--my--test--results--back?"

[CenterPointEX]

So's my little eight yr old nephew and I are cleanin a Rabbit N he asks "What R Balls fer?"
after a winded explaination he says," Well Unca CPX how do dem boy Rabbits git them seeds in the girl Rabbits?" I tell em he'll have to git a little older first...
So that night were out to dinner N the little buck breaks out in a grin... "Out wit it little feller"... " I tink I know he says"... By now he has a baited audience who are holdin the cliff notes.... then he announces proudly...
"Ya gotta git em to swallow"
N I'm tinkin... "Some day yule make fine lineman little feller..."

[lineman641]

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda



MY BEAUTY SECRETS

by Janet Reno



HOW
TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE

by John Denver



MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS

by Dan Marino



THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton



MY
LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden



THINGS
I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates



THINGS
I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman



MY
WILD YEARS

by Al Gore



AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC



AMERICA'S
MOST POPULAR LAWYERS



DETROIT:
a Travel Guide



A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J. Kevorkian





ALL
THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

b y Ellen de Generes



GUIDE
TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson



SPOTTED OWL RECIPES

by the EPA



THE
AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY



MY
PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson



And the world's Number One Thinnest
Book.............put yours here!!!!

[topgroove]

Irish Pub:


An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a
pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands
another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his
fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit
it out!"


====
Irish Cemetery:

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from
the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led
past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it
says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got
to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see
what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles,
from Dublin."
====
Irish Miracle:

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving
violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to
drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife
fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
====
Irish Accident:

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
====
Irish Predicament:

Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into
a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says
nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but
the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times
on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on
this side either."
====
Irish Last Request:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have
any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

[loodvig]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...........................49
Adventurous..................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................No tits
Average looking.............Ugly
Beautiful.......................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.......On medication
Feminist........................Fat
Free spirit......................Junkie
Friendship first..............Former slut
Fun.................................Annoying
New-Age.......................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned................No BJs
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.....................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................b$%&@
Vol uptuous...................Very Fat
Large frame....................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6 We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

How to impress a woman:

* Wine her,
* Dine her;
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:
* Show up naked Bring chicken wings and beer...don't block the TV.
__________________

[loodvig]

Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers...

10) YOU HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT AND LOOK OVER THE TOP OF THE STEERING WHEEL.

9) THERE IS NO MIDDLE OF THE SEAT TO SLOUCH ON.

HANDGUNS WON'T STAY UNDER THE FRONT SEAT.

7) ENGINES DROWN OUT THE SOUND OF RAP MUSIC.

6) YOU CAN'T STOP ON THE TRACK WITH YOUR DOOR OPEN TO VISIT A BRO.

5) PIT CREWS CAN'T WORK ON THE CAR AND HOLD UP THEIR PANTS AT THE SAME TIME.

4) THERE IS NO REAR PASSENGER SEAT FOR THE 'HO'.

3) CADILLAC DOES NOT SPONSER CARS OR DRIVERS.

2) YOU CAN'T WEAR YOUR HELMET SIDEWAYS.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:

1) YOU CAN'T BAIL OUT AND RUN FROM THE SCENE OF A CRASH

[loodvig]

BEER vs VAGINA

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point for BEER.

2. Warm beer tastes awful. One point for VAGINA.

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. One point for BEER.

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point for VAGINA.

5. If you come home reeking of beer you wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you come home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vagina's in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point for VAGINA.

7. If you have alot of beer in a public place your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in a public place, you become a legend. One point for VAGINA.

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point for VAGINA.

9. You normally don't find old beer. One point for BEER.

10. Too much beer and you'll think you've seen flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God. One point for VAGINA.

11. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point for VAGINA.

12. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. One point for VAGINA.

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One point for BEER.

14. You can always be sure you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point for BEER.

15. If you shake a beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually settles down. One point for BEER.

16. With beer you have your choice: light, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc. One point for BEER.

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost. One point for BEER.

18. Beer doesn't have a mother. One point for BEER.

19. Beer never expects to be held a half hour after you've drank it. One point for BEER.

20. Vagina after beer is always better. Beer after vagina isn't. One point for BEER.

Final score>>> BEER 11 : VAGINA 8
Thats it, this matter is settled. The clear winner is BEER!

P.S. If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that BEER would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. One extra point for BEER!!

[harley]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her Husband, "It's nearly frozen to Death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your Legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."



The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

[Outlaw Lineman]

Swamprat you think there's somethin' wrong with dat picture? Looks K.O. to me, myself and us too.

[lineman641]

cool................................twins!

[lineman641]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP


1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 A.M. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

[LostArt]

A big electric corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our grunts has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the grunt?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but no you had to go and eat someone important!"

[Limey Bill]

The story is an operations manager for Jack in the Box was late for a
meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was
leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on
to provide "play by play" of the incident. This is the actual voice
mail message. It was forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box,
it crashed their voice mail server. It is a "hoot!"

http://home.swbell.net/kf5tv/voicemail.mp3

[LINETRASH]

Last year the Pope landed at the airport in a large US city.

Waiting for him was a limo driver.

The driver loaded the luggage, and noticed that the Pope still had not sat down in the limo.

"Your Holiness, why dont you take you seat?" the driver inquired.

"Well, they never let me drive at the Vatican. What say you let me drive the limo?" the Pope replied.

"oh my goodness no! They would kill me if any thing went wrong!" exclaimed the driver.

"I'll put in a good word for you upstairs, c'mon!" insisted the Supreme Pontiff.

Being a good Catholic, the driver sighed, "Who am I to refuse the Pope?" and grudgingly got in the back of the limo. The Pope took the wheel.

The driver soon saw his mistake when the Pope took off in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Soon, on the expressway, a trooper observed the limo zooming along at 100 mph.

A short chase ensued.

Finally the limo pulled over.

The trooper walked up to the driver's door of the limo, took one look, and called his dispatcher.

"I need to speak to the Sargent right now!" said the shook up trooper.

Directly the Sarge got on the radio.

"What have you got?" the sarge demanded.

"I got a limo doing 100 on the airport expressway." replied the trooper.

"Bust his ass." said the sargent.

"I dont think that's a good idea, he's important." says the trooper.

"Well watcha' got, the chief?"

"No"

"The mayor?"

"No"

"Well who ya got?" demanded the sarge.

"I think it may be God" replied the rattled trooper.

"What makes you say that?"says the mystified sargent.

"Well, he has the Pope for a limo driver!"

[LostArt]

Five tips for a woman....



1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.


2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.


4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

[Moe]

----- > Subject: Doctor's Visit
>
> A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
>
>
> and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
>
>
> "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
>
>
> The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
> then
>
>
> she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee
>
>
> and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
>
>
> Everywhere she touches makes her scream
>
>
> The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
>
>
> "Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
>
>
> "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
>

[Moe]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
>After a while, one guy looks at the other and says,
>"I can't help but think, from listening to you,
>that you're from Ireland"
>The other guy responds proudly, "That I am!"
>The first guy says, "So am I! And where about
>in Ireland might you be from?"
>The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am"
>The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I!
>And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
>The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was,
>I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
>The first guy says, "Faith, and it's a small world, so did I.
>And to what school would you have been going?"
>The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
>The first guy gets really excited, and says,
>"And so did I." Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
>The other guy answers, "Well, now , I graduated in 1964."
>The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
>I can hardly believe our luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
>Would you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self."
>About this time, another guy walks into the bar,
>sits down, and orders a beer.
>The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters,
>"It's going to be a long night tonight.....
>.....the O'Malley twins are drunk again."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>

[harley]

Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all daylong.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single,just let it go...".

But invariably the other voice would bring him to reality..
...whispering ...

"Bob, Your a Vet!"

[harley]

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a petrol station that had
been closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The petrol pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting.
Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the
pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said ipatiently,
"Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that -
you really don't want to make him mad!". "Rubbish," replied the younger
alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outward and towards
them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a
burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed
us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy,
peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've
learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old Alien.

"When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."

[harley]

Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said: "I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

"Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. You mean it has a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often!"

[southernIndy]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He
took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing
through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal
to
the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped
it
some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!
Then
he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch
up
with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir,"
he said, looking at his watch, "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've
never
heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with
a
Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

[lineman641]

hell ,why the florida thing , that could be any state!!!................good one

[Moe]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man
who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday,
for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western
Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir,
how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fcukin' wall."

[lineman641]

.......amen!.............

[JD426H]

The Pond

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as
he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[Moe]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the
garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"



His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY"..." and she acts like she is asleep every time

[Moe]

Blonde Update....

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.and
one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo!!! can you see Florida.......?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic
it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys
would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get
to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on
his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back,
"IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her
what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered
the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

[Moe]

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA appeared to be the robber's first and last.

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a 50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.
Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.
No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.
Here we are at the beginning of March and we already may have the 2005 winner of the Darwin Award.
This guy is going to be hard to beat!

[Moe]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view
was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in
Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he
will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's
O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see
that you get laid. All on the house."

"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen
to me sister."

[newguy]

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they are worth it!

[harley]

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near
Washington DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don't git it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the little 'gator.

HMMmm. Well - where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. HMmmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer
one to unlock their car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg,
shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em."

"Aha!" said the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See - by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"

[harley]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, I will not sell you any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

[harley]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome Prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of Tall tales begins.
The guy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the Corral. It had gored six men before i wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

The guy from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."

The cowboy from Texas remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his pecker.

[harley]

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot.
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that bag from off your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[lineman641]

> Subject: Lawyers;
> >
> >
> > > How could an innocent question like "Do you know me?" end up like
this?
> > Why
> > > Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared
> for
> > > the answer:
> > >
> > > In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first
> > > witness to the stand; a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her
> > and
> > > asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

> > > She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
> > > since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
> disappointment
> > to
> > > me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
talk
> > > about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
> > haven't
> > > the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
> > two-bit
> > > paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
> > > The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
> the
> > > room and asked "Mrs. Jones do you know the defense attorney?"

> > > She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a
> > > youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
> > > can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
> one
> > > of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife
> > > with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him."

> > > The defense attorney almost died...

> > > The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
> quiet
> > > voice, said; "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
> > throw
> > > your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

[barehander]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her gandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrfied, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[LostArt]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

[rick]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis
was growing larger and staying
erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks,
his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned.
He was having problems dressing,
and even walking. So he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial
examination, the doctor explained to the couple
that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed
through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?"
responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen
his legs, aren't you?

[linewife4life]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said," Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field."
An hour later the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.
"What is wrong?" the father asked, "I told you to be QUIET!"
The son answered,
"Dad, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was very quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I did not move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when a wasp stung me.
I did not even gag when I swallowed the knat.
I did not cuss or scratch when the poison oak started to itch.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and
said,"Should we eat them here or take them with us".....
Well, I guess I just panicked!!!"

[linewife4life]

Hope this is not too gross for you men.

NON STANDARD CREAMER

A woman at an interactive advertising agency recently returned from maternity leave, and sent the following e-mail:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity."

"Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son, if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit special, you might think of calling your mom and telling her you love her." :D

[barehander]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude
by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was
fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his
hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a
peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd
hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with
my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful
for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
He was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Moe]

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[linewife4life]

An elderly lady in a Nursing home was zooming around in her wheelchair when a male resident of the home stepped in front of her and said, "STOP. I'm the police, I need to see your license and registration." The lady pulled out her bag and handed him a K-mart receipt and peppermint wrapper. He looked at them handed them back to her and said, "Thanks for your cooperation mam, You have a good day." The next day the same man stopped the lady in her wheelchair and asked for her license and registratiom...She said, "Yes Officer" handed him a gum wrapper and a Wal-Mart receipt. The man once again thanked her and told her to have a nice day. The next day as the lady turned the corner the old man jumped in front of her and flashed open his robe, to reveal nothing underneath. The old lady exclaimed, "OH NO! Not the breathalizer again!" :D

[lineman641]

subject: how not to use a condom


> I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
> I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman
behind
> the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me
the
> package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
> I honestly answered, "No."
> So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her
thumb.
> She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
> I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the
store.
> It was empty.
> "Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
> Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and
> removed it . She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these
excite
> you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was
nod
> my head.
> She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping
it
> on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a
desk.
> "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
> So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I
could
no
> longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes.
> She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
> I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

[lineman641]

MY favorite condom / marriage joke.............

After a lesson about the birds and the bees, a father and son are walking through a drug store. As they pass the condom rack the son asks: Why are condoms sold in two packs? The father replies: That’s for when you get to high school. One for Friday and one for Saturday. The son asks: Why are they sold in four packs? That's for when you get to college. Two for Friday and two for Saturday. Son: Why are they sold in twelve packs? That's for when you get married. One for January, one for February, one.......

[harley]

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant,
"Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[lineman641]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite
up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes
crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no
success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She
opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail,"
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your
mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[Limey Bill]

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[linewife4life]

A woman was in an antique shop. She picked up an old oil lamp. As she was dusting the old lamp off a genie appeared. "Thank you for freeing me." Stated the genie. "I will grant you three wishes, but there is one stipulation. Whatever I grant you will happen to your husband ten fold." The lady thought for a minute and said "O.K. for my first wish I want to receive a small cash fortune." The genie obliged and told her the money was already in her checking account...and ten times that amount was in her husbands account.
"For my second wish, I want to be the most attractive and desirable woman in my state." Wished the woman. "Are you sure?" asked the genie "This will mean your husband will be the most desirable and attractive man in a ten state area. Women will be obsessed with your husband. Are you sure you can handle that?" The woman smiled and said "I am sure." So the genie granted her wish...She instantly became beautiful. The genie told her, You only have one wish left, and remember what you receive your husband will experience ten times more, so take your time and use it wisely. The now beautiful and rich woman smiled and said "For my third wish I want to have a mild heart attack."

[Hemingray Insulators]

Hi ya'll, got a joke about insulators, lets see if you can guess the answer before I tell you.
How many insulators does it take to conduct a symphony orchestra?
came up with this one my self.
Hemingray Insulators

[lineman641]

two, one for each ear!...........you can do better than that!

[Hemingray Insulators]

Nice try, not quite the answer I was looking for, but I guess it would work. Hint has to do with technicalities.
Hemingray Insulators

[T-Saw]

Every one knows that insulators don't conduct. LOL good one .

[Hemingray Insulators]

Nice job T-saw, you got it right that insulators don't conduct.
Hemingray insulators.

[CHICAGO HAND.]

http://www.barry.fireflyinternet.co.uk/fun/files/pilot.htm

[harley]

1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A. Shoot him again.

2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.


3. Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they're practicing to be men.


4. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One – he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about
the screwing part.

5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath &

calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.


8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts .

9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.


12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to
"instruction manuals"

[harley]

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life. He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England, he called his bother.
"How is my cat?" he asked.
"Your cat is dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?" "How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."

"By the way," he continued, "how is Mother?" "Mother?" came the reply.
"Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."

[harley]

There's a guy sitting at a biker bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making biker steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The biker says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

[loodvig]

http://www.presidentmoron.com/

[loodvig]

http://www.presidentmoron.com/saddampolicy.jpg

[LINETRASH]

This big mick was sitting at the bar, sucking down cold beer.

A light in the loafers type prances up to the bar and sits next to the irishman.

The mick ignored the little fairy, who orderd a drink then sat ther admiring the big man's bulging muscles.

No longer able to contain himself, the fag leaned over and whispered "I like you, can I give you a blow job ?"

The mick lets out a growl, leaps to his feet, snatches the fairy up and procedes to beat him sensless, then he tosses the limp form out to the sidwalk.

He sits back down to his beer.

The bartender aproaches cautiously and asks "My god, what did that man say to you?"

The irishman sips his beer and says"I dunno, somthing about a job."

[barehander]

Typical Baby Boy
A California cowboy is drinking in a New York bar when he
gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has
just produced a typical California baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the cowboy just shrugs, "That's about average
down home, folks... Like I said, my boy's a typical California
baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "WOW" were heard. One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns
to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father
of that typical California baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth,
aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd
be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does
he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender
is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds the day he was born."

The cowboy takes a slow swig from his long-neck beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the
bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

[dbrown20]

A cowboy was riding along on his horse. His fairy Godmother appeared and said I will grant you one wish. He thought awhile and said. "I guess I want to be hung like this horse I'm riding." Fairy Godmother waved her wand and said. "Your wish is granted." She then disappeared. Cowboy rode a little farther and exclaimed. "Sonofabitch, I just remembered I'm riding old Betsy today!" dbrown20

[highlineswitcher]

an old man and his wife driving along one day ,the wife doing the normal nagging thing tells him after 20 years of marriage shes leaving him .he accelarates a little from hearing this news ,she continues saying Ive been having an affair with the gardner. again he accelarates a little further . she also tells him the kids are not his ,again he accelarates a little . she continues to tell him she talked to a lawyer and she will be getting just about everything ,pension , house, boat, his golf clubs .again he accelarates the car this time smiling a little . his wife cant understand why he is smiling .he looks at her while accelarating again I have everything I need right here .confused the wife says "and what would that be " as he swerves towards a bridge embankment says the airbag

[lineman641]

Subject: Manners


During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? "Just a
minute, I have to go piss."

That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you
say it? "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be
right back." That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the table.

And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show
us your good manners? I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

[brrnae]

Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls
Night Out and were decidedly enthusiastic on the martinis. Incredibly
drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they wiz
behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she
thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.
However, her friend was wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't
want to ruin hers, but went to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that
was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon. After
finishing, they made off for home.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and
said, "This girls night out has got to stop right now. My wife came home
last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card
stuck to her rear that said, "GOODBYE FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE
STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

[harley]

Well, shit...
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
And don't forget same shit, different day.Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.When you stop to consider all this shit, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!

[brrnae]

Dear Dad Letter
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice... even
with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want! In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure
deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

John



P.S. Dad, none of the above is True. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

[Limey Bill]

Why Do Men Die First??

This is a question that has gone unanswered
for centuries but, now we know.


If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay..this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get
off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her....that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you.....it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you..........it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't.............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape....you're sexist.
If you don't................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't...............you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements.........you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious .
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.


Men die first because.......they want to!

[highlineswitcher]

An employee comes into her manager's office to take a day off from work...

The manager replies, "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!"

[loodvig]

Benign.............................What you be after you be eight.

Artery.............................The study of paintings.

Bacteria...........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.............................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section...................A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan............................Searching for kitty.

Cauterize..........................Made eye contact with her.

Colic..............................A sheep dog.

Coma...............................A punctuation mark.

D & C..............................Where Washington is.

Dilate.............................To live long.

Enema..............................Not a friend.

Fester.............................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.............................A small lie.

Genital............................Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series........................World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...........................What you hang your coat on.

Impotent...........................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain.........................Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff......................A Doctor's cane.

Morbid.............................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...........................Cheaper than day rates.

Node...............................I knew it.

Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..........................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis.............................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative.....................A letter carrier.

Recovery Room......................Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.............................Damn near killed him.

Secretion..........................Hiding something.

Seizure............................Roman emperor.

Tablet.............................A small table.

Terminal Illness...................Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor..............................More than one.

Urine..............................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose...........................Near by/close by.
_________________
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" - Steven Wright.

[LINETRASH]

'ol Tibido wus fishin one fine day on da banks of da mississippi.

he spied a water moccasin wit a frog in his mouth.

Tibido knew dis frog would be great fisshin bait.

He also knew the snake wus dangerous.

He stealtily snuck up on the creature an' grabbed it by the neck.

He got his frog, but what to do? Iffin he dropped the snake, it would chomp him.

Thinkin quickly, Tibido took out his hip flask an' dribbled a few drops o' whisky down de snake's gullet.

De snake rolled his eyes back an went limp.

Tibido put da snake in some bushes an went ta fishin.

An hour later, Tibido felt a gentle nudge at his foot. Lookin down slowly he saw it was the same damn snake.

With two more frogs!

[Limey Bill]

Forget who posted this on the old site originally. If this doesn't make you at least smile - well you maybe taking life too seriously!!

[loodvig]

Women:

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

Drink a cup of coffee.

15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

Give up and use crescent wrench.

Unscrew drain plug.

Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

Clean up.

Have another beer while oil is draining.

Look for oil filter wrench.

Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

Beer.

Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

Remember drain plug from step 11.

Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

Bang head on floor board in reaction.

Begin cussing fit.

Throw wrench.

Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob.

Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

Beer.

Beer.

Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

Beer.

Lower car from jack stands.

Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

Drive car.

[pole splinter]

I heard this one from a waitress at po' folks.
A HOBO CAME TO A WOMANS DOOR OUT IN THE COUNTRY AND SAID "GIMME SOMPIN TO EAT WOMAN".SHE SAID "NO SIR YOU GOTTA WORK FOR WHAT YOU EAT" . HE SAID" I AIN'T A WORKIN GIMME FOOD."
SHE SAID "NO ,GET DOWN THE ROAD." HE GOT MAD PULLED ALL THE CLOTHES OFF THE CLOTHES LINE,PICKED UP THE CAT AND PULLED IT'S HAIR,JUMPED THE FENCE IN A SINGLE BOUND AND KICKED HER MULE .
THE WOMAN HAD ENOUGH ,SHE SAID "IM BRINGING THE LAW IN ON YOU!"
SHE CALLED 911 AND TOLD THE DISPATCHER "HELP ME!THIS MEAN HOBO PULLED MY CLOTHES OFF,PULLED MY PUSSY HAIR , AND KICKED MY ASS!"

[linewife4life]

A nun goes into confession. She says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I have used terrible language." "Tell me" said the priest. "Well...I was playing golf this weekend and hit a long drive, but it struck a power line and fell short after about 100 yards." The priest asks, "is that why you swore?" The nun replied, "No... After that a squirrel ran out and took my ball!" "Thats why you swore?" asked the priest. She replied," No, then a hawk swooped down and picked up the squirrel. As he flew back up the squirrel dropped my golf ball." Then you swore?"asked the priest. The nun replied "No...The ball fell on a hill, rolled down, bounced off a rock, missing the sandtraps and rolled onto the green only inches from the hole." There is a minute of silence and the priest then said "You missed the f*(#!ng putt, didn't you!"

[linewife4life]

An 80 yr old man goes into a confession booth and tells the priest he had sex with someone other than his wife...A hot 22 year old with long soft hair, big boobs and the best a$$ he has ever seen in all his 80 years. The priest asks how long since his last confession and the elderly man replies. "I have never ben to confession before, I am not catholic" The priest asked the man why he was telling him of his sins, The old man replied "I'm telling EVERYONE!! :) "

[Outlaw Lineman]

Men do remember Anniversaries.......


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
coffee. What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the
room,

"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from
this coffee,

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is
so caring sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun
in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to
jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have
gotten out today."

[harley]

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer." And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."

[Outlaw Lineman]

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is
tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching
for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. but none is
forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and
the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight
for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water panicked
screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat
into their magazines, secure in theknowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says:
"You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late
and we're all gonna die."

[harley]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[lineman]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

Is that when you swore?"

No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the f @!#?*% g putt, didn't you?

[harley]

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there isn't anything worse then an oversensitive woman.

My name is, Swamprat......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Marg. When I was laid off from my lineman job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Marg to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my old job as a lineman helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after my golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think Tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Marg. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...


EDITOR'S NOTE: Swamp died suddenly last January 3rd after only 9 months of retirement. He was found with a Calloway extra long, 50-inch Big Bertha-II Driver rammed up his ass with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Marg, was arrested, but the jury accepted her defense that Ralph accidentally sat on it.

[Moe]

A 30-ish man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery
store was very surprised when a very attractive woman in front of him
turned
and said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you?!" look, and couldn't remember ever
having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a
mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first
saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked
out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the
world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of
who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought, but,
MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
college.... perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
"Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk
and
had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No!", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
second grade teacher!"

[Moe]

Top 10 Reasons why men own guns!

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. (not that I would,.44's kick ass)

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will
probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another
handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look
fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman:

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

[loodvig]

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there." (Click on the link)

http://womencentral.net/oil2.jpg

[highlineswitcher]

A city boy named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey to him the next day. But the next day, the farmer drove up in his old truck and told Kenny, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died. Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just bring me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.00." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny replied, "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his $2 back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

[lineman]

A little girl went with her dad to the barber shop. The barber gave her a Twinkie to eat while he was cutting dad’s hair. She was standing close to the chair so the barber said ‘Stand back or you’ll get hair on your Twinkie.” The little girl brightened up and replied ‘Yea, and Mom told me one day I’ll have boobs too!!”

[Squizzy]

Miss Fitzpatrick was conducting her daily english class and was teaching the kids alot of new words.Not that little didn't know alot of words he shouldn't know.
"Now what can i teach them without Jonny saying something offensive?"she thought.
"I know"she thought "today we will use a new word,todays word is contagious,can any of you put contagious into a sentance?"she asked.Two hands went up Mary and Jonny's "ok Mary what can you use contagious in?"
"Well"said Mary "my little brother has a cold and Mum says it is contagious"
"Well done Mary can anyone else use contagious?"said Miss Fitzpatrick, no other hands came up except little Jonny.
"OK Jonny what sentance can you use contagious in?"
"Well" said Jonny "the other day Dad and i were driving in the country and we saw this truck crash and it spilled apples all over the road,you should have seen the mess!"
"Well Jonny what was the purpose of saying that?"exclaimed Miss Fitzpatrick,and with that Jonny replied "Dad said that it would take that contagious to clean up that mess!"

[dooghi]

The boss had to fire either Sally or Jack just didn't know who. Spent the weekend thinking about it an d decided that the first one to the water fountain would be the one. Come Monday he sat an waited, Sally was the first to the fountain, so he walked up and told her that he was goining to have to either lay her or Jack off. Sally replied that he better jack off as she has a head ache.

[Tsplice]

FiFi ,a french poodle finds herself in the jungles of deep dark Africa on a safari with her owner.A few days into it FiFi gets bored and wanders off to explore.She comes onto a clearing where ,right in the middle,theres a pile of bones.Of course,being a dog ,she goes over to have a snife,when out of the corner of her eye she sees a leopard coming in at a high rate of speed!Without missing a beat,FiFi sets down at the pile of bones with her back to the leapord,and just as he is about to pounce,she says (loud enough for the leopard to here)Damn that was sure some tasty Leopard!Well the ole' leopard stops dead in his tracks and backs up into the bush,thinks for a moment and decides he don't want no part of this!Mainwhile,a monkey sees all this and figures this is his chance to get on the leopards good side,so off he goes to find the leopard and tell him what he knows.Well this flat pisses of Mr.Leopard,so he tells the monkey to get on his back and witness what happens to those that fu*# with him.At breakneck speed they head for poor ole'FiFi.Well FiFi also happened to see what the monkey did,and just as the leopard and monkey was about to pounce,FiFi,with her back to them,says"I wonder where the hell that monkey went?.I sent him to bring me another leopard 10 minutes ago"!

[Squizzy]

Q. What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A. A Labrodor

[Squizzy]

Q. Why don't women need raincoats?
A. Cos there is a roof between the kitchen and bedroom.

[Squizzy]

Q. How did the Kiwi (New Zealander) farmer find the sheep in the long grass?
A. Quite delightful........

[Squizzy]

Q. Why don't Kiwi's take their wives to the cricket?
A. Cos they would jump the fence and start eating the grass......

[Squizzy]

Q. Why do Kiwi's seduce sheep on the edge of cliffs?
A. Cos they push back harder....

[Squizzy]

Q. What the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They konw how many went down on the Titanic.........

[Squizzy]

Q. Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A. So they match all the other household appliances....

[Squizzy]

Did you hear that Michael Jackson tried to commit suicide?
Police say he went up the east river on his motor launch and jumped overboard! They found him later the same day bobbing up and down on a boy!


(as a foot note i think he should have his balls removed)

[Squizzy]

Q. What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
A. The position of the dirt bag....

[Squizzy]

Q. What time does Michael Jackson go to bed?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand....

(footnote i still think he needs his balls cut off the sicko)

[Squizzy]

Q. What does Michael Jackson and Playstations have in common?
A. They are both turned on by boys........

[Koga]

Santa Claus ,the Easter bunny ,a smart Honda rider and an old biker were standing on the curb .A 100 dollar bill was laying in the gutter. Who picked it up? The old biker of course,everyone knows there's no such thing as Santa Clause , the Easter bunny or a smart Honda rider !

Koga

[Moe]

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glass is so cheap we dont need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Kentucky boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.

[Squizzy]

Q. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A. Cos he heard that the umpire was blowing fouls.....

[Squizzy]

Q. What was the difference between Yasser Arrafat and a catfish?
A. One has fat lips and whiskers the other is a fish....

[salesman]

i was in dublin recently on business and i walked into temple bar

i saw an american standing at the end of the bar. at this point i had had a few drinks and was well on my way.

he looked like he had been waiting for a while so i walked up to him and asked

"how long have you been here"

he replied " about 3 days"

i laughed and said no meant at the bar

we then proceeded to have alot of beer

[Squizzy]

Q. What was the last thing Dodi Al Fyeed said to Henry Paul?
A. Come with me and Di.....

[harley]

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where
she sleeps in the state of Washington; and they tracked her calves to their
stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

[LostArt]

I was becoming more upset as I waited in the express line at the grocery store. As I looked at the woman's cart in front of me, stacked high with groceries, I was trying to think of a tactful way to tell her that she was in the wrong line. My mental gymnastics were for naught because when it was her turn to check out the quick witted cashier said to her, "Which six of those items do you want to buy?"

[loodvig]

What is the one food, that a woman eats, that cuts her sex drive by 99% ?




Wedding cake!

[Squizzy]

Hey Loodvig you know how to turn a fox into an elephant don't you??????????
Well it's simple you marry them!

[loodvig]

Hey Loodvig you know how to turn a fox into an elephant don't you??????????
Well it's simple you marry them!

Ya I know squiz!
Did I ever show ya a one ear elephant? :)

[harley]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[harley]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester,he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido
how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading
the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you shot that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

[loodvig]

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/quarters.html

just scroll down to the video.

[loodvig]

Right on, Andy Rooney!
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry behind if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else
And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

DON'T PASS IT ON!!

[harley]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickensheet."

[linejeeper]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a
single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all
clean
and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order,
spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes
when he
sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast
is on
the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack
asks,
Son... what happened last night?"
Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your
mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you
ran into the door."
So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I
have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and
when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

[topgroove]

>A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
>
>Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very
>
>well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him
>
>if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
>
>
>
>The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend
>
>on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
>
>
>
>LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
&g t;
>POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
>
>
>
>LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
>
>POLE: "It made of concrete."
>
>
>
>LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
>
>POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
>
>
>
>LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
>
>POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
>
>
>
>LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
>
>POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
>
>
>
>LAW YER: Does your wife beat you up?"
>
>POLE: "No, I always up before her."
>
>
>
>LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
>
>POLE: "No, she white."
>
>
>
>LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
>
>POLE: "She going to kill me."
>
> ;
>
>LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
>
>POLE: "I got proof.
>
>
>
>LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
>
>POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
>
>and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say,
>
>
>
>'Polish Remover'."

[Saline]

Hi,
This is a typical SA Joke, the language is a bit funny but here goes:

George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Howzit George!", a broken English voice said. "This is Koos here from the
Doringboom Bar in Welkom, South Africa. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you boet!"

"Well, Koos," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Koos, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my
cousin Jan, my next door neighbor Lang Hannes, and the entire pool team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Bliksem!", said Koos. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Koos called again.

"George, my china , the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some
infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Koos?" George asked.

"Well, we have 4 Hilux double cabs, two combis, a bulldozer, and Vet Gert's
John Deer.

George sighed. "I must tell you, Koos, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000
armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1,5 million
since we last spoke."

"Liewe Hemel" said Koos. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Koos rang again the next day.

"George, ou swaer, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne! We've modified Doepie's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
the cockpit, and four ouks from the Virginia hengel klub have joined us as
well!"

George was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Koos, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Goeie donder!", said Koos, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Koos called again the next day.

"Jis, jis, jis George! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Koos, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of "Klippies" en
Cokes, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of war."

[outtathere]

There was this man who lost one arm in an accident. He became
depressed because he liked to play the guitar and sports and other
things that took two arms.

One day he had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on
an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He
was standing on the brink looking down and spotted a man
skipping along and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that
this man had no arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up
here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man skipping down the the sidewalk happy and going
on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because since he lost one arm he
felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and knew he could make it if a guy with no arms could.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up
his heels again. The one armed man asked, "why are you so happy
anyway"? The guy with no arms said, " I'm not happy, my ass itches".

[slickschick43]

A guy is at the supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one
of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Christ!" he says, "are you that strip-o-gram on my stag night that I nailed
on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your friend whipped me
with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

" No" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

[harley]

Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.
One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent,
and shakes his head "no".

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."
Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!".
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the
crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!"
Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.



The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch!"

[harley]

Al and Joe two guys are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money renting our very own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it down there."
Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an
elastic cord, insurance, and all.
They travel down to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd
begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration to the large crowd below!
So Al jumps...........
Al bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comesfback up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he goes down again, bounces, and comes back up.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up.This time, he is pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?"

[harley]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.
__________________________________________________ _______________
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[500 KVA]

Swamprat thinks he's a Lineman. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Couldn't help myself.

[LINETRASH]

So this go-getter was hired by a contractor to set poles.

In the first day, the new hire out paced the old hand by a narrow margin.

The GF was pleased.

Next day the old hand set a few more than the new hire.

The GF was concerned.

The third day, the old hand set twice as many poles as the hot-shot new hire.

Miffed, the GF cornered the new hire, and asked if there was a problem with the equipment.

"No sir, you have given me the best equipment I have ever used" replied the new hand.

The GF pressed on: "What about the labor? do we need to fire anybody?"

"No sir, I have a great crew." replied the new guy.

"OK," said the boss, "Then maybe you have some idea as to why the old hand is setting twice as many poles as you."

"Well'" said the new hire, "Have you seen how much he leaves sticking up out of the ground?!!??"

[Mike-E]

check out this website, www.mnftiu.cc , yes it says "cc" but I don't know why, click on "Get Your War On". This is one of the most true and funny political cartoons you can find. The pictures are kind of dull but if you want to laugh at how messed up the current addministration is, then read a few of these cartoons. The archives go all the way back to 2001. Enjoy!

[LostArt]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you 've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[DuFuss]

A guy walks in the bar sits down and orders a shot of whiskey. Bartender sits it down and the guy picks it up and in one motion finishes it and slams the shot glass down orders another. Bartender asks him what's the occasion? The man replies "First blowjob..." as he gluts the other one down. "Well here have one on the house!" the bartender demands. "Yeah keep them comming." the man says "I can't get the taste out of my mouth."

----

A preist a monk and a rabbi walk into the bar... Bartender looks up and says "What is this some kind of joke?"

[boyakasha]

"Cool Person" Test.

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

Hey Swampy not bad for a septic.....

[RWD]

Hooker been doi'n the deed since she was 12. Every time she turned a trick she put a nickle in a jar. At 50 she decides to retire. She is rich on nickles. She decides she want's the two things she has never had. A husband and a virgin. She puts adds in the papers all over the world ... wanted 50 year oold male virgin, for marriage, am rich will pay transportation to Las Vegas. Six months, a year .. alomost 2 years go by before she recieves a reply.... from Australia. They correspond and he arrives one day in Las Vegas. They get married and she rents the honeymoon suite. In the suite she says "honey I'm going to the bathroom to change into something more comfrotable" While in the bathroom she hears a lot of noise. Upon exiting the bathroom she see's he has piled all of the furnature into one corner of the room. She exclaims "What did you do that for?" His reply in an aussie accent "I've never been with a girl before but if it's anything like being with a kangaroo you need a damn lot o room"

RWD

[RWD]

Here's to the girls in the little red shoes ... They have no money and they have no booze. They have no cherries but that's no sin .... They've got the boxes that the cherries comes in!

RWD

[harley]

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway
tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.

[onetuck]

another good one is when walter mondale was running against reagan and forgot his mike was on ,he said, look at them,we are going to tax their fn asses off and they dont even know it. he won one state. by the way,did you come out of retirement?

[LINETRASH]

Too often we loose sight of life's simple pleasures.

When somone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown.

BUT

It only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm

And Bitch-slap that motherf%$#@!!

Pass it on.

[Squizzy]

Why do Greek men wear gold chains?
So they know where to stop shaving.....

[old lineman]

There was this guy going at it with this woman upstairs when she heard a key in the front door.
"Quick grab your clothes and get in the closet. I'll go down and distract my husband. Put your clothes on and go out the window."
So he did and when he shut the door of the closet there was a little voice in there that said, "IT'S DARK IN HERE ISN'T IT? That's my mommy out there and if you don't give me some money I'm going to tell my Dad.
"I'll give you $25.00".
"I'm going to tell my Dad".
"I'll give you $35.00".
"I'll tell my Dad".
"I'll give you $45.00 that's all the money I've got."
He put on his clothes and left.
The next day the little boy went shopping with his Mom.
While in the store he said "Mommy, Mommy, I want a two wheel bike".
She said, "my sonny you know I can't afford a two wheel bike".
He said, "I've got $45.00".
"Where you get it?"
"Can't tell you."
"Where did you get it?"
"Can't tell you."
"Well I'll find out where you got it." and she grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and hauled him down the street to the church. She marched him up the stairs and said, "Father he's got $45.00 and he won't tell me where he got it."
"I'll find out where he got it," and threw him into the confession booth and shut the door.
The little fellow said, "IT'S DARK IN HERE ISN'T IT?"
The Father said, " don't start that shit again."
The Old lineman

[loodvig]

DEER HUNTING SEASON



A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas

near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully

drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral
procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed
his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

[loodvig]

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

II no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

II no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks for always correcting me with "gotchas" from "Snopes" who knows it all. Thanks to you, I am totally in the know.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....IF YOU CAN!

[loodvig]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking a Mt Dew and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Mountain Dew, wiped the cold from my lips, lifted my darkened blue blockers Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

[loodvig]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one
> particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where
> they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic
> schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the
> husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife
> flying down the following day.
>
>
>
> The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so
> he decided to send e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out
> one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent
> the e-mail.
>
>
>
> Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
> husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to
> Glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her
> e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
>
>
>
> After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into
> the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
> read:
>
>
>
> To: My loving wife
>
> Subject: I've arrived
>
> Date: 16 March 2004
>
>
>
> I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
> you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
> been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
> tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
> uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[loodvig]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[harley]

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old
ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to
the manager. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front
lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard
sale."


How is a hurricane like a woman?
1. They both show up wet and wild.
2. When they leave you, you have no house, car, or boat.

[loodvig]

A polish guy walks into Dunkin Doughnuts. Says to the Girl behind the counter "How many cups of Coffee do you think this thermous holds". The Girl says "I think thats a 7 cup thermous". The polock says "Ok, give me 2 black, 2 with sugar and 3 cream and sugar.

[loodvig]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.


Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.


When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.


The president was so amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.


The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:



Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Mark Thompson]

Union Jokes


The Custodians of America were in a hiring frenzy because their work
... was really picking up. So they went on strike demanding ...
sweeping reforms.

The Balloon Makers formed a union because their work ... was rapidly
expanding.

The Fortune Tellers did not form a union although they were ... a
spirited group because it became crystal clear that ... there was no
future in it.

The Magicians were worried and did not form a union because of concern
that ... their work was just an illusion, and would soon vanish.

The Electricians union ... took charge and sent the Teamsters Union
... packing. (At least that is the current situation due to an
alternating view.)

The Icecream Makers discovered that their union ... had a hiring
freeze.

The Meat Packers Union found that government ... gave them the cold
shoulder. They felt they had a ... legitimate beef and a steak in
their future, and were willing to meat the government ... half weigh,
but it turned out to be ... much ado about mutton.

The Elevator Operators Union has had ... its ups and downs.

The Cartoonist's Union knew where ... to draw the line.

The Manicurist's Union has its ... hands full making certain its
members get paid any time they ... lift a finger.

The Realtor's Union had ... a lot on its mind because its members
believed ... in deeds, not words.



MEMBERSHIP DUES
(From a local association's newsletter)

Forget the slander you have heard,
Forget the hasty unkind word.
Forget the quarrel and the cause,
Forget the whole affair, because
Forgetting is the only way.

Forget the trials you have had,
Forget the weather if it's bad,
Forget the knocker, he's a freak,
Forget him seven days a week.

Forget the gray lines in your hair.
Forget you're not a millionaire,
Forget the coffee when it's cold,
Forget to knock, forget to scold,
Forget to even get the blues,

BUT DON'T FORGET TO PAY YOUR DUES!



A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas
and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to
the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the Madame.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?", he
asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His
search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the
Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?", he
questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the
room, pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead, plunked down
his $100 and said, "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir", said the Madame, as she scooped
up his money and gestured to a grotesque woman in her
seventies, "but Ethel here has seniority."



Top 10 Excuses Why the Day Of Protest Failed to Shutdown Toronto

10) The working conditions sucked.
9) Most folks don't make 20 bucks an hour and thus couldn't
afford the day off work.
8) Kid had a hockey game, couldn't borrow a hockey helmet to
go protest at Queen's Park.
7) Too busy featherbedding to get the job done.
6) Too hung over after the GM settlement party.
5) Had a strike half way through the protest over the tastes
great less filling issue.
4) Hey! We were told there would be MPP's to spit on!
3) Too long a line at the beer tent, hit the strip club
instead.
2) Kept forgetting the lyrics to Solidarity Forever.
1) It was a union job. Delays are inevitable.



A WORTHY CAUSE
Please pass this form to as many people as you know!!
We need to show the world just how they can help.

Help Feed AA Pilots
---- ---- -- ------

It's just not right. Thousands of pilots in our very own
country are living at or just below the six figure salary line.
And if that wasn't bad enough, many of them may go several
weeks or months without a paycheck if they are forced by
American Airlines management to strike.

But now you can help. For about three hundred dollars a day,
~ that's less than the price of a 25" television set ~ you can
help keep a pilot economically viable during their time of need.

Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money
to you, but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a
vacation fishing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half
a month's rent or mortgage payment. But to a pilot, three
hundred dollars a day will almost replace his or her salary.

Three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade
his or her home computer, buy that new 100" television set,
trade in the 6 month old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a
dinner (with champagne) at The Mansion.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on
the crew member you sponsor. Detailed information about his
or her stocks, bonds, 401K, and real-estate holdings will be
mailed to your home. You will be able to watch your pilot's
net worth grow. You'll also get information on how they chose
to invest their 1.2 million dollar lump sum they get upon their
retirement.

"HOW WILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND
that just wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your
name, he or she will be able to make collect calls to your
home via a special operator in case they need more funds.


I want to help!! In the event of a strike by the APA,
I would like to sponsor the crew member listed below.
I would like to sponsor (circle your selection/s):

___CAPTAIN ___F-100 CREW MEMBER
___AN ENTIRE FLIGHT CREW ___A300 CREW MEMBER
___FIRST OFFICER ___SUPER-80 CREW MEMBER
___NAVIGATOR ___727 CREW MEMBER
___767 CREW MEMBER ___MD-11 CREW MEMBER

___Please apply my donation to the crew member most in need.

Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day
(or $350.29 for MD-11 crew members) for the duration of
the strike. Please send me a picture of the crew member
I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings" and my very
own "new" red S.C.O.P.E. badge (while supplies last)

<> Mastercard <> Visa <> American Express <> Diner's Club
<> AAsset Card <> Discover Card

Account Number: _________________________________
Expiration Date: ________________________________
Signature: ______________________________________

Send Completed Forms to the APA. Or, Enroll By Phone:
(97X)-988-3188

Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored
or their families in person or by other means including, but
not limited to, phone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties.
Contributions made are not tax deductible. In the event of
no strike action taken, sponsors agree to a one time
administration charge of $500.00 to cover administration
costs of this program.

[harley]

So ....
there you are ,
having a
dinner party .....
Your parents
are there ,
Your in-laws
are there ,
Your boss and
his wife
are there ,
The minister and
his wife
are there ,
You're all
settling down
for a
nice relaxing
evening dinner ,
Then
in
walks
the
dog .
............
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
.....
.....
.....
...
..
.

[harley]

This fellow comes to confession.
"Father," he said, "for-give me for I have sinned." The priest sked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow eplied. "Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a delivery-
man for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the
door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds.

She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted,"
replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father?

What do you think my reward might be?" the fellow asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appro-priate, you jackass."

[Short-Timer]

HOW TO PERFORM AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or>forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farting Escapee at the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax
while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life!

[loodvig]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared
the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to
escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him
she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get
all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience
and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he
could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of
Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a
recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

[boyakasha]

A guy was standing on a roof top ready to commit suicide,
when out of nowhere santa appears..
"excuse me young man but what do u think your doing" santa says.
the young man replies " iam going to end it now, i have huge debts, my wife doesnt love me and i have a really small cock"
"never fear my friend, if u promise me you will do something for me i will solve all your problems".
" just say the word santa i will do anything for you"
" o.k boy tomorrow when you go to the bank you will have $100,000 in your account,your wife will lust for u again and your cock will be at least 12 inches. Now can u please bend over".
After a good right rogering up the date hole santa pulls up his pants and thanks the guy with a pat on the back..
"by the way how old r u " says santa
" iam 36" replies the man
" ho ho ho ho your a bit old for believing in santa"

[harley]

An Australian was walking down a country road
in New Zealand, when he happened to glance
over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with
a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by
this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to
the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You
know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around
and says, "I'm not bloody sharing this with
no one!"

[harley]

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady, "Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown."

[Orgnizdlbr]

Heres a joke...took me from January 05 till now to figure out how to get back my original screename back!

[LostArt]

Heres a joke...took me from January 05 till now to figure out how to get back my original screename back!

A new meaning to taking it slow Georgie! I mean............THAT is pretty dog gone slow! :D

[Orgnizdlbr]

Yeah, I hear ya Grace.....LOL

[Limey Bill]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers. "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


..

..

..

..


"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......



"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......

[BigClive]

What did the deaf, blind mute get for Christmas:-




Cancer.


(See I told you it was tasteless!)

[BigClive]

Lineman goes to doctor and says "Hello doc' I've got an odd little problem. I keep farting all the time, but fortunately they're very quiet and they don't make any smell."

The doctor says:- "OK, well I'll give you a prescription for ear drops and once you've got your hearing back we can work on your sense of smell!"

[RWD]

How does a rich woman hold her liquior? ?????

......

....

....

...

Same as a poor one!




By the ears! ;)

Darn .... theres that gutter thing again! sorry LA It just blurts out now and then! :(

[RWD]

A southern Bell moves to Hollywood to make her fame and fortune. After about 6 months she calls her mom.

"Momma!" says she "You know what they have here! They've got men who have sex with MEN"

"NO! dahlin'" That cant be! and What do they call them?" says Momma

"well momma they call them Queers" Says the Bell "and Momma, Momma! You'll never guess what else they have here! They've got Women who have sex with woman!"

Momma not sure what to say is feeling faint on the other side of the line. She finally pops up and says " Honey, Just what do they call them?"

"Momma, They call them Lesbians! And do you know what else they got here?" She says "Momma they've got men who lick a womans private parts!!!!"

After picking the phone back up and sniffing her vapors momma finally replied! "No honey no! I can't hardly beleive that! What do they call them?"

Wellll I don't rightly know. Just a Minute I'll ask..... Momma he says his name is RWD."

Alternate ending "Well momma they call them precious!" :)


Again RWD Hangs his head in shame. Sorry LA It just came out! My fingers would not stop! Darn ... maybe the gutter is a stronger influence stronger than I thought!

I'm going to make coffee, Climb under the house and clean out the "slow draining pipes" Maybe the stench will clear out my mind! :(

[BigClive]

Woman goes into the doctor and says. "Doctor, I've got a really odd problem. Every time something goes into my vagina I fart, and the bigger it is the louder I fart."

The doctor seems a bit sceptical so he gets her to sit on the examination couch and cautiously pokes the end of a pen in. There's a loud fart just as described.

"How odd!" Says the doctor.. "I'll just do a few more tests."

He pokes his finger in and there's an even louder fart. he then grabs a sharpie and sticks it in and there's a massive fart. He walks over to the other side of the office and picks up a large wooden pole.

"OH! You're not going to push THAT in are you?" Says the woman.

The doctor turns and says:- "No. I'm opening the window. It's absolutely stinking in here."

[lineman641]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag,

and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[loodvig]

A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, the one man named Bill, goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around. But he can't find the bear.
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimadum. The bear tells him, that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning. Bill takes an even bigger gun with him, and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, as he gets the bear in his sites and he shoots! He looks all around, no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.

The following day Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna fuckin' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''

[LINETRASH]

It is better to remain silent and be considered a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. ;-)

[LINETRASH]

A Catholic priest and a Babtist minister are sitting at a bar.

In walks a Rabbi, who says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"

[LINETRASH]

A man was hauling ass on a Florida highway when he noticed a set of blue lights behind him.

At first he speeds up. This pisses off the trooper, who promptly rides his bumper.

In due time, the man slows and eventually pulls over.

The cop, trying hard to controll his temper, walks up to the driver.

"Sir, can you give me one good reason why you took so long to pull over?"

"Well," retorts the man, "10 years ago my wife ran off with a cop."

"And I thought you were bringing her back."

[loodvig]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads,' For Women Only'. Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside.'

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads,' All the men here have it short and thin.'

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads,' All the men here have it long and thin.'

Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, 'All the men here have it short and thick.'

This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. 'All the men here have it long and thick.'

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman.'

[loodvig]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[BigClive]

A baptist minister lives next to a catholic priest who keeps livestock in his garden. One morning the minister walks out to find one of the priests hens running around in his garden. he shoo's it away and suddenly notices that it's laid an egg in his garden. he picks the egg up and walks back to his house.

Suddenly the priest runs out and shouts "HEY! That's my f*****g egg!" The minister disagrees and points out that the egg was laid in his garden so it's his. A shouting match breaks out which results in the minister climbling over the hedge between their gardens. He says "Let's sort this out once and for all... we'll kick each other in the balls and see who gets up fastest." The priest agrees and parts his legs. The minister raises his cassock pulls back his leg and WHUMP! the priest goes down. As the minister times the event the priest rolls about on the ground screaming "Oh sweet Mary, muther o' Jeezuz, Oh Godddddd!".

After about five minutes the priest staggers to his feet and says "My turn now." The minister climbs back over the hedge and says "It's OK, you can keep the egg."

[BigClive]

A little bit of real life Zen wisdom that you can all relate to:-

"It's much easier to apologise later than it is to ask permission in the first place." :rolleyes:


It's so true. I use it all the time. :)

[maddog]

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Marine on a commercial airline flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Marine asked for a scotch and soda, which was promptly placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Marine handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know that was a choice."


---------------------------------

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks
a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his
mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" he asks. "Well," his
mother says,"I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, to you don't get any bacon for a week either. I
also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"