count your blessings

[reppy007]

Two years i get a call,it was my dad saying that my sister had fainted and was going to the hospital,thinking that she'd be ok I told him to keep me informed.HE and my mom were heading to the hospital,already.Around 30 mins.later I get this call,it was my dad,hearing his voice,I already knew,she died.Wasnt sick,she even talked to my mom 3 times that morning on the phone.Even went to work,only to die about 30mins after arriving at her job.What happened is she had a blood clot in her right leg,which affected her lungs,and so on.That was the first death in our immediate family.Forty five days later i get another call,it was my brother,who lives in colorado springs.Asking me to go to our parents house cause dad had died,to add to the shock he says that he shot himself.Im thinking ,aint this some shi-.Well i take the drive over their house and see a couple of police cars,walk on in and see the expression on moms and other family members faces,see his brothers face and all that stuff.There was a strange type of quietness,that i cant explain.Waited till they took his body out,till the time came to clean up the mess,some priest of some type helped,and somebody else,cant remember excactly.I was surprised that there wasnt too much blood in sight,small splatters on the walls and some on the carpet.We cleaned for awhile ,the other guys left,and I was in the room alone,finding a bone fragment,taking up the rug,then taking up the padding.Thats when it kind of hit me,cause under the padding was where all the blood was,fresh.Took the bed and matteress and all,loaded it into my truck.Had a beer and a shot outside with the priest.He shot himself in the room that my sister once had when she was a kid.The old man blamed her death on himself,plus he was on medication which didnt help.Things just didnt add up,he wasnt like that,believe me.Nobody seen it coming.Me and him even talked about suicide years before,he was against it.After my sister died I told him that it happens to every family,and he said he didnt think it would happen to our family,i was at lost for words.Anyway it does happen,my mom accepted my sisters death pretty well,still misses her but accepts it pretty well if thats the right word.On the other hand a suicide isnt easy to understand,some of you know this,happens every 39 seconds in the usa,thats alot.You replay what you think happened in your mind a thousand times,never understanding.Thats the best way id say about how people feel.Until one day,it all comes together,like a series of events,you find it when your actually not even thinking about it.You dont tell certain family members sometimes,it wouldnt help,it would only make things worse.Before i get carried away,which aint going to happen,ill go back to the title,when your with your families this holiday season,you might seem to think your blessed,it doesnt sink in,until the day you no longer have those folks,looking back ,then you really see on that special day that you were actually blessed.Strange how one can look forward and see nothing,and look back and it is as clear as can be.

[electriklady]

Reppy, That was a revealing and touching post. My thoughts are with you this holiday season. To touch further on your post, if I may.....My mother died in 1994 at the age of 62...of a stroke...that came on simply as a headache...The stroke took her life away long before it took her body away...she was in a vegetative coma for 6 months before she left us, which for me(the eldest) was harder to see than her passing..but I was only one of three who made the "life and death" decisions after her stroke. The following year(1995) my younger and only brother lost his life when he hit an electric pole head on with his Harley. Instantaneous death at the age of 35.
To this day, I remember my dad saying in the only display of emotion I ever saw from him his entire life, "No parent should ever outlive any of their children." He was never the same after the loss of his only son. I lost my dad to a heart attack back in 2009...I only have one immediate original family member left...my younger sister. I have said this before to many, "I feel like an orphan at the age of 53, you are never too old to need your mom and dad." The holidays are very difficult for me...there is definitely a void that affects me immensely, that I have to hide so that I do not affect MY children and grandchildren's Christmas. My sister and I look at each other each holiday, no words exchanged, just a look that "conveys" what we both know each other is feeling...and then exchange a smile at the memories we share.

Now on to the "less talked about" topic of your post. This will be difficult for me...but for me your post should remind us all that "we are not alone." Suicide...how horrible for those who survive it...the children, the sisters, the brothers, the parents, the friends...who must go on and try to "understand" what brought a person to do this. How could a person end his/her life? What would cause this to happen? My theory based in opinion and experience is this, and here is where the taboo subject comes into play. Life does not come easy to all people...even when things do not appear bad to others...for some people, sustaining the will and ability to live is a full time job. It does not come naturally to all people, it is a struggle and a constant or maybe not so constant battle. What causes this? A little talked about, and a highly feared and misunderstood malady...Mental illness. It is no joke, it is no scam, and is nothing to be ignored. As a person whose family had been touched by the effects of mental illness, both treated and untreated, I feel like I can freely talk about this. There can come to a person a "profound and unshaking" sadness that takes over ones life, overrides the goods, obliviates the happy, and results in a lost and sad, hollow existence. It is there all the time for many... society has taught us that we should be able "to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps"(a quote from my "old school dad")..."depression" an often downplayed mental illness, does not work that way, a common misconception by people who have never suffered its ravaging effects. It can be a single "episode", it can be multiple episodes or it can be a life long battle. For some, a loss like Reppy's family suffered, cannot be overcome. Lifes negative effects make the feeling of "constant sadness' insurmountable, and life becomes too much of a battle to fight anymore. The good things in your life become invisible, they are there, but invisible to the afflicted, it is not a selfish disregard for the good things in life, they just disappear to those who suffer this "illness." They are consumed in "darkness, pain, and just cant seem to muster the strength to fight the battle anymore." It is a topic few discuss or even think about, unless their life has been touched by it. Mine has, so I discuss it.
So as Reppy said, count your blessings this holiday and everyday, cherish those in your life while they are there, remember them when they are not, but always cherish the memories, they are yours for as long as you live. Say a prayer for those who may not experience life the way it was meant to be experienced, they are out there, many of us know at least one of those people in our lives. Love them and comfort them while they are with us, and count them as one of your blessings, even in their less than perfect journey through life.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

[MI-Lineman]

We need to remember this wasn't the man upstairs original plan for us! The next life will be all worth it! It's hard at times but it's what keeps me goin knowin that we will be with our loved ones for an eternity! (unfortunately that means the in-laws too?):o

Thanks for the reminder and sharin your personal stories! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

[LostArt]

Thank you Reppy and EL for sharing your stories. And I also agree with Mike.

Not many years ago we had suicides at our school in a years time we had 3. Two by hangings (6th grader and 8th grader) and the third one was by the gun(10th grader). The pain those families went thru I can not even imagine. It effected every teacher, student, staff member, community and district schools. It took a good while for us all to heal. I think about one losing a child to suicide and it breaks my heart. It's a death like no other. And the WHYs keep coming. I've also heard that saying, "A parent shouldn't outlive their children." I heard that from my grandmother when my father died at the age of 53 suddenly with no warning.

My family has been through some trials and loss. With God's Grace we have made it. For my many blessings, I thank Him.

Wishing you all a very blessed Merry Christmas.

[reppy007]

Your posting was touching also Electriklady,even worse when theres suffering involved.Your sentence about parents outliving their children is what my parents have always said.As bad as it was it would have effected me more if i would have been younger.Time has a way of healing,doesnt ever completely heal,as time goes by it helps.X-mas changes,but you must hang in there.Everyone experiences a tragedy,either it has happened or it will happen.Two years before this cycle of events happened I Told my younger brother that we had a big extended family and that we had been lucky and that it was a matter of time.Kind of preparing him,he took that well.After the whole ordeal he told me that either Ill go to his funeral or he would be at mine,kind of caught me off guard,him saying that.And the few words that MI-LINEMAN post is so true,i believe in what hes stated,what was promised in the bible.They used to say x-mas was too commercial,now its more than tripled that statement.With people not really knowing the meaning,the whys to it,the sacrifice that was involved.Now, a few trips to walmart and a few days off is what some believe is a real x-mas.I cant count my blessings at walmart,but would be able to count the money thats leaving my wallet,dollar by dollar.In a way this is like a family,we share ideas,and stories,even like the ever present disliked family member,we have that here.And finally ,have a nice peaceful x-mas.

[230kv_barehand]

My Great Uncle did the same over a domestic situation back in the 60's. Put a shotgun to his chest and supposedly pulled the trigger (that would be hard to do). It's screwed up.

Luckily I still have all my immediate family with my folks and brother. It's truly a blessing to have them all, even though my brother pisses me off daily:o

[reppy007]

My Great Uncle did the same over a domestic situation back in the 60's. Put a shotgun to his chest and supposedly pulled the trigger (that would be hard to do). It's screwed up.

Luckily I still have all my immediate family with my folks and brother. It's truly a blessing to have them all, even though my brother pisses me off daily:o

With my situation,im sure it was the only time he shot that shotgun,and whats wierder is he was totally against illegal drugs,but the drugs that had something do with his death were legal.Shot himself above right temple,i dont think he hesitated,just went with it.His mind already made up.Just got home from a weeks vacation the night before,this happened the next morning.Something had to have happened during that trip with my mom,my younger sister,and her husband,everyone has limitations.