Poot,give us all a good one

[reppy007]

Always have wondered how hillbillies do x-mas,and thought of you.Can you give us a Jed Clampet kind of story for x-mas,even wondered about Jeds dog,buck I believe,the lazy dog that I never saw run.I know that you can think up a good one for us,Thats all i want for x-mas,thanks Poot,and have a Merry one.

[Pootnaigle]

Ummmmmmm when I wuzza lil boy chile all I wanted fer christmas wuzza Benjamin pump up pellet gun fer killin stuff.My daddy wuzza construction werker kinda guy ( Boilermaker - welder) n times wuz hard.But sumhow they managed to get me my prize. Now this here gun shooted 22.cal lead pellets that wuz kinda spensiveful fer a kid wif no income.I usta save up all my muney n order sum frumma place Called Herters( Big catalouge sporting goods store) but i always runned smooth out fore the new uns came.
It dawned on me that My Daddys rolled lead solder wuz jusa bout the same size aza pellet but inna roll.So I found me a pair Of Linesmen pliers and chopped a hole roll up in lil tiny peices stuck em down the barrell n kilt rabbitts n squirrels n other dangerous critters, n it werked even better than the store bought stuff.I even nailed a fox squirrell to a tree with them. Enyhow we had a major malfunction in the water line n Poor ole Dad needed to solder it shut. Ummmmmmm he wuz sho nuff not happified to lurn I been usin hiz private stash to keep the place safe frum varmits n other mean critters. Enyhow az I member he expressed hiz discontent right on my wundermously innocent lil hiney.I stayed on The bad list fera long time after that.Hes ded n gone now n I never did tellem that hiz brazin rods werked too.

[loodvig]

Good one Poot! You should write a book.

[Pootnaigle]

UmmmmmmmmmmmThis here is a true story as I was there when it happened to couzin leeky Luke . He wern't born to that there name he jest earned as he gots older . He had a problem containing his pea most 'specially when he gots to laughing to hard . His Ma was a gonna takes him to the doc and gets him repaired but his pappy said they jest didn' have no money so they dee-side-ed they was a gonna fix ole luke themselves . Ole Luke is near own to grown now as fer as size goes so they grabs him and holds him down and begins the procedure as best as they know how . Is ya'll seen where this is a goin ? They figured it was logecal that if Lukes pluming were leaking they needed to tighten his nuts up !

Well ole luke ain't to keen on this hear ideer and he was a fussin and a squallin but his older brothers is a holden hin down good and tight . His pappy is corncerned about enfections and the grabs up the terpentine ans swabs down his privates pretty good . Musta burnt somethin fierce as ole luke squalls and just plain messes all over himself . Now , we knows his kidnees leaks and now he is done pooped himself so the smell must have been gettin pretty bad as ole blue the hound went fer the door likes a shot cat . So his pappy gets them vice grips and clamps them down on Lukes left tast.... tust.... um......ball and you could hear luke fer a mile away . Luke is done tore loose frum his older brothers and is lit out acroos the yard hobblin on one leg trying to get that vice grip loose from where his paw clamped it and yellin bout ' his privates was on fire . Luke jumped into the well !

As it would be that there procedure actually worked . Either that or he was so scared he didn't leek anymore . We is proud hill folks and we decided we didn't needs to be a callin him Leeky Luke no more . Specially when we is talking to our friends in Kalifornia , you know .........them the ones got that there tv show called The Beverly Hill Billy's . Guess ya'll know know why they is called the "CLAMPITS"

[reppy007]

UmmmmmmmmmmmThis here is a true story as I was there when it happened to couzin leeky Luke . He wern't born to that there name he jest earned as he gots older . He had a problem containing his pea most 'specially when he gots to laughing to hard . His Ma was a gonna takes him to the doc and gets him repaired but his pappy said they jest didn' have no money so they dee-side-ed they was a gonna fix ole luke themselves . Ole Luke is near own to grown now as fer as size goes so they grabs him and holds him down and begins the procedure as best as they know how . Is ya'll seen where this is a goin ? They figured it was logecal that if Lukes pluming were leaking they needed to tighten his nuts up !

Well ole luke ain't to keen on this hear ideer and he was a fussin and a squallin but his older brothers is a holden hin down good and tight . His pappy is corncerned about enfections and the grabs up the terpentine ans swabs down his privates pretty good . Musta burnt somethin fierce as ole luke squalls and just plain messes all over himself . Now , we knows his kidnees leaks and now he is done pooped himself so the smell must have been gettin pretty bad as ole blue the hound went fer the door likes a shot cat . So his pappy gets them vice grips and clamps them down on Lukes left tast.... tust.... um......ball and you could hear luke fer a mile away . Luke is done tore loose frum his older brothers and is lit out acroos the yard hobblin on one leg trying to get that vice grip loose from where his paw clamped it and yellin bout ' his privates was on fire . Luke jumped into the well !

As it would be that there procedure actually worked . Either that or he was so scared he didn't leek anymore . We is proud hill folks and we decided we didn't needs to be a callin him Leeky Luke no more . Specially when we is talking to our friends in Kalifornia , you know .........them the ones got that there tv show called The Beverly Hill Billy's . Guess ya'll know know why they is called the "CLAMPITS"

Just right,Poot,thanks for sharing that wonderful x-mas story.I knew I could count on you ,and you came through for us all.Even learned how the family got its last name,never would think about that one.you done good,Merry X-Mas.

[topgroove]

The Night before X-masTwas the night before x-mas;
And all through the house,
The whole **** family
Was drunk as a louse.
Grandma and Grandpa
were singing their songs;
The kids in their beds
All flogging their dongs.
Ma came from the *****house
And I from the jail
And we both settled Down
For a nice piece of tail.
When out on the roof
There arose such a clatter.
I sprang from my bed
To see what was the matter!
Away to the window
I flew in a flash
Threw open the shutter
And fell on my ass!
The smog lit moon
On the crest of the snow,
Gave a *****house luster
To the objects below.
And what to my bloodshot
Eyes should appear?
But a rusty old sleigh and
eight mangy reindeer!
There! up in the Back!
Holding his ****
In a moment I knew the *******
Was Nick!
With a Bottle in one hand
The other his wick,
He cursed and he yelled
While his elf cracked the whip!
“On Dasher On Dancer, On Comet and Blitzen!
Get over that wall!
Be quick now dammit!
Or I’ll cut off your Balls!”
“Come on Prancer and Cupid,
and Donner and Vixen!
Get your ass on that Roof!
You lazy old *****es!”
Amid Shingles and Icicles crashing on Down
I could hear him on the rooftop stumbling about
Bumped my head on the window as I turned around
Down the chimney Nick plopped with a fart and a shout
“What the F##K are you doing up ya big clout?”
He smelled of stale whiskey,
Cheap cigar smoke, and ****.
His white beard was matted
and streaked from Skoal spit;
In the kids stockings he put
Trojans for the boys and girls KY Jelly
“Make sure they use them this year if you can pry them apart”
He reached back in his bag with a burp and a fart,
“Ah yes, a dildo: I give it to her,
Use it twice a week lad And her snoring will cure.”
“And from now on my stumbling, bumbling, twit
Put Jack Black in the Cocoa or in your sock I will ****!”
With a huge green cloud fart up the chimney he rose,
I swear peeled paint from the mantle and stuck to my clothes.
I heard him exclaim as he rode out of site,
“It’s a Cold Muther F**kr, a Hell of a night!”

[reppy007]

Indeed a good rhyme,I can honestly tell that you arent related to Jimmy Swaggart,just when i thought my sharpshooter post was classy,Ive found that even I can be out classed,1 question though,how do I tell that to kids?

[230kv_barehand]

Dang poot that was a goodun, old Leeky Luke must've been a funny cat. We need to pump about a half-case into you and then ask about some stories:D

[Pootnaigle]

Ummmmmmmmmm Shux jus axe . The poot iz self priming.