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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Austin Texas
    Posts
    133

    Default

    Featured Sponsor

    Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

  2. #2

    Default sad,but true

    Math

    Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

    I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

    While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

    Why do I tell you this?

    Please read more about the "history of teaching math":

    Teaching Math In 1950

    ************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

    Teaching Math In 1960

    ************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

    Teaching Math In 1970

    ************************ A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

    Teaching Math In 1980

    *********************** A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

    Teaching Math In 1990

    ************************ By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers.)

    Teaching Math In 2005

    ************************El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............




    And we wonder why jobs requiring intelligence are being outsourced??
    lineman641

  3. #3
    Paige Guest

    Smile

    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
    vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
    wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
    She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm
    them up."

    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes
    back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She
    says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

    He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
    When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

    She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears*
    ever get cold?"

  4. #4
    rusty Guest

    Default Joke

    An Irish Toast
    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Austin Texas
    Posts
    133

    Default Are dogs better than wives - you judge

    01. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

    02. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

    03. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

    04. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

    05. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

    06. A dog's parents never visit.

    07. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

    08. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

    09. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

    10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

    11. Dogs can't talk.

    12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

    13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

    14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

    15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

    16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

    17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

    18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

    19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

    20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

    21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

    22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

    23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

    24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

    25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.

    And, last but not least:

    26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
    Harley
    ____________________

    Eligible to retire at anytime when it quits being fun Im gone

  6. #6
    Paige Guest

    Thumbs up

    Rusty; Harley: ROFLMAO

    A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the
    chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older
    horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."

    A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The
    farmer said, "That's twice."

    After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer
    didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a
    shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kinds
    of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

    The farmer said, "That's once."
    Attached Images Attached Images  

  7. #7
    Lizzy Borden Guest

    Default

    What are two words that will end your sex life?


    Wedding cake!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Buffalo
    Posts
    3,000

    Default Politically incorrect bumper stickers

    Politically incorrect bumper stickers



    Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

    Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

    The proctologist called
    ...they found your head.

    Everyone has a photographic memory
    ...some just don't have any film.

    Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

    Your ridiculous little
    opinion has been noted.

    I used to have a handle
    on life...but it broke off.

    WANTED: Meaningful
    overnight relationship.

    Guys...just because you have one,
    doesn't mean you have to be one.

    Some people just don't know how to drive...
    I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

    Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

    Don't like my driving?
    Then quit watching me.

    If you can read this...I can
    slam on my brakes and sue you.

    Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

    Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

    Hang up and drive!!

    And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
    Welcome to America
    ...now speak English

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Austin Texas
    Posts
    133

    Default

    A newlywed couple wanted to join the local church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed but after only two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. As the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was simply unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. Finally, on Tuesday afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly. "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."
    Harley
    ____________________

    Eligible to retire at anytime when it quits being fun Im gone

  10. #10
    rick Guest

    Default Big butts!

    Featured Sponsorr

    Subject: Big Butt


    A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

    With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

    Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

    She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie

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