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  1. #1501
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    N.E. Mass.
    Posts
    2,030

    Default

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    Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
    The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
    I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."
    Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.
    There was another tap on his shoulder.
    This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."
    Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.
    He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
    The polar bear says:
    "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
    National Grid = Retired! US Army vet. 68 - 70
    As of April of 2010 I quit smoking! It's been hard but so far no butts! I am now an X smoker!

  2. #1502
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    N.E. Mass.
    Posts
    2,030

    Default

    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
    > at a
    > roadside restaurant for lunch.
    > After finishing their meal, they left the
    > restaurant, and resumed
    > their trip.
    >
    > When leaving, the elderly woman
    > unknowingly
    > left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
    > miss them until
    > they had been driving for
    > about forty minutes.
    >
    > By then, to add to the
    > aggravation, they
    > had to travel quite a distance before they could find a
    > place to
    > turn around,
    > in order to return to the restaurant to
    > retrieve
    > her glasses.
    >
    > All the way back, the elderly husband
    > became the classic
    > grouchy old man.He fussed and complained, and scolded
    > his wife relentlessly
    > during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
    > the more agitated he
    > became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
    >
    > To her relief, they
    > finally arrived at the restaurant.
    > As the woman got out of the car, and
    > hurried inside to retrieve her
    > glasses, the old geezer yelled to
    > her,
    >
    > While you're in there, you might as well
    > get my hat and
    > the
    > credit card.
    >
    > This coming week is National Senior Mental
    > Health
    > Week. You can do YOUR part by
    > remembering to contact at least one unstable
    > Senior to show you care.
    > I have now done MY part.
    National Grid = Retired! US Army vet. 68 - 70
    As of April of 2010 I quit smoking! It's been hard but so far no butts! I am now an X smoker!

  3. #1503
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    1,343

    Default Dead Duck

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head andsadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.



    A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.


    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

  4. #1504
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    N.E. Mass.
    Posts
    2,030

    Default

    A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee
    > outside an Arizona immigration office.
    >
    > "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama
    > and told to grant you 3 wishes, since you just arrived in the United
    > States with your wife and eight children."
    >
    > The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good
    > teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
    >
    > The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and - PING ! - he
    > had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
    >
    > "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
    >
    > The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a
    > three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my
    > family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I
    > want to bring them all over here" -- and
    > -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion
    > with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a
    > BBQ, in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
    >
    > "One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.
    >
    > "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American
    > clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of
    > this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans"
    > -- and -- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans,
    > a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth
    > back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
    >
    > "What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"
    >
    > THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . . >
    > NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .
    >
    > >
    > The fairy said: "Tough ****, Amigo, now that you are a white American,
    > you have to fend for yourself."
    >
    >
    National Grid = Retired! US Army vet. 68 - 70
    As of April of 2010 I quit smoking! It's been hard but so far no butts! I am now an X smoker!

  5. #1505
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    N.E. Mass.
    Posts
    2,030

    Default Bessie

    A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the... accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
    Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
    "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
    Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."
    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
    Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
    Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
    "Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
    National Grid = Retired! US Army vet. 68 - 70
    As of April of 2010 I quit smoking! It's been hard but so far no butts! I am now an X smoker!

  6. #1506
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Posts
    1,343

    Default She's gone

    A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:
    Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
    Sergeant : What is her height ?
    Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
    Sergeant : Build?
    Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
    Sergeant : Color of eyes?
    Husband : Never noticed.
    Sergeant : Color of hair?
    Husband : Changes according to season.
    Sergeant : What was she wearing?
    Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.
    Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
    Husband : yes.
    Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
    Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door................. at this point the husband started crying...
    Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car, Charlie.

  7. Default

    Little Johnny goes trick or treating dressed as a pirate.

    He rings the doorbell of a nearby home and a nice but hard of hearing older lady answers the door and exclaims loudly, "Oh! What do we have here!? You must be a pirate! Look at your darling eye patch! And what a wonderful pirate hat! Oh! And you even have a little parrot on your shoulder!" Johnny is growing impatient and uncomfortable when the woman exclaims, "Now, it seems you are missing something... Where are your buccaneers?!"

    Little Johnny angrily replied, "They're under my buckin' hat...!!"
    “He who dares not offend, cannot be honest”
    ~ Thomas Paine ~

  8. Default

    An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “things are great, and I’ve never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?”


    The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story. “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.” “As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.


    He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled ‘bang bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead.”


    “Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor. The 86-year-old replied, “logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “my point exactly.”
    “He who dares not offend, cannot be honest”
    ~ Thomas Paine ~

  9. Default

    Early one morning, an elderly retired Navy Chief yelled to his wife, “Honey, come see what I've created! It’s an abstract panorama depicting the 6 years of the Obama presidency!”

    She yelled back, “Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast!”
    “He who dares not offend, cannot be honest”
    ~ Thomas Paine ~

  10. Default

    Featured Sponsorr

    Breaking News - Bruce Jenner's Transition Fires New Speculation in Wash. DC -


    Over the past year a rash of news stories surfaced speculating whether gold-medal winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner was undergoing a gender transition from male to female. Though Jenner has yet to publicly confirm the story, members of his extended family, including the Kardashian clan, have recently approached various news outlets confirming Jenner's intentions.



    Now it appears a number of world leaders have picked up on the story and are wondering aloud "What will happen to Jenner's balls if he completes the transition?" Sources this week quoted Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as suggesting it would be a monumental step if Jenner were to donate his balls to U.S. President Barack Obama. Netanyahu stated "Everyone knows Obama has no balls and it would be **** nice if he suddenly had Olympic sized balls. It would be a huge step forward for world peace.” German Chancellor Angela Merkel remarked " I don't even have any balls, but everyone tells me I have a bigger set than Obama. I think it would be a great idea.”


    On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin joined Syrian President Bashar Assad in proclaiming that Obama's lack of balls has finally enabled a number of regimes worldwide a fair chance to consolidate their power. Putin, on a shirtless fly fishing expedition in Kanchatka, said "The days of U.S. Presidents with big balls like Reagan are over. Now it's our turn.“ Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remarked earlier in the week that "It's been great the last six years. It's like playing soccer against the U.S. with no goalie in their net ”



    While world leaders debate the issue, closer to home New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady stepped forward to say they would each donate one ball to the President if Jenner does not come through. Belichick, however, cautioned that "The President would have to understand, our balls would be underinflated, but still probably an improvement over what he seems to be working with."
    “He who dares not offend, cannot be honest”
    ~ Thomas Paine ~

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