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  1. #21
    Paige Guest

    Smile

    Featured Sponsor

    Actual Court Transcripts:
    --------------------------
    Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
    A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!

    --------------------
    Q. Are you married?
    A. No, I'm divorced.
    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

    --------------------
    Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

    --------------------
    Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. Before or after he died?

    --------------------
    THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all
    present information from your minds, if you have any.

    --------------------
    Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A. No.
    Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A. Picking them up in the air.
    Q. Where was the dog at this time?
    A. Attached to the ears.

    --------------------
    Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted
    to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints
    on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
    you and she, with him to the station?
    MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

    --------------------
    Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What
    school do you go to?
    A. Oral.
    Q. How old are you?
    A. Oral.

    --------------------
    Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A: She is my daughter.
    Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

    --------------------
    Q: ...and what did he do then?
    A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

    --------------------
    Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A: I could see his head.
    Q: And where was his head?
    A: Just above his shoulders.

    --------------------
    Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
    A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

    --------------------
    Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
    murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A: The victim lived.

    --------------------
    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.

    --------------------
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

    --------------------
    Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
    A: It indicates intercourse.
    Q: Male sperm?
    A. That is the only kind I know.

    --------------------
    Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

    -----------------------
    Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
    A: I have only one, you know.

    -----------------------------
    Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
    A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I
    was doing an autopsy!

  2. #22
    Paige Guest

    Smile

    HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

    Compliment her,
    cuddle her,
    kiss her,
    caress her,
    love her,
    stroke her,
    tease her,
    comfort her,
    protect her,
    hug her,
    hold her,
    spend money on her,
    wine & dine her,
    buy things for her,
    listen to her,
    care for her,
    stand by her,
    support her,
    go to the ends of the earth for her....


    HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

    Show up naked,
    Bring beer....

  3. #23
    Paige Guest

    Smile

    Horsie ride
    Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of
    the night, in search of a glass of water.

    Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches
    his folks in 'the act'.

    Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
    Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

    Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
    questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride,
    agrees.

    Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

    Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

    Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where
    me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

  4. #24
    Paige Guest

    Smile Off to Las Vegas

    A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting
    on the front porch with her bags packed.

    He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going
    to Las Vegas."

    He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him
    "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I
    give you for free."

    He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his
    bags and returned to the porch and his wife.

    She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

    He replied, "I'm going, too."

    "Why?" she asked.

    He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year."

  5. #25
    Paige Guest

    Smile Three gals

    Three women - One German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were
    sitting naked in a sauna.

    Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her
    forearm and the beeped stopped. The others looked at her
    questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip
    under the skin of my arm."

    A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her
    palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my
    cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

    The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone,
    she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She
    stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned
    with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.

    The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

    The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting
    a fax! !"

  6. #26
    Rickey Guest

    Default Baptist Bra

    A man walked into the Women's Dept. at Macy's in New York City.
    He told the sales lady, " I would like a Baptist Bra for my wife, size 36B."

    With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

    He repeated, "A Baptist Bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist Bra and that you would know what she wanted."

    "Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady."We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic Bra or the Salvation Army Bra, or the Presbyterian type."

    Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, " So, what are the differences?"

    The lady responded, "Well, it's quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen. The Presbyterian keeps them staunch and upright."

    He mused at that for a moment and then asked,"So, what's the Baptist type for?"

    "They," she replied, "make mountains out of mole hills."

    IF YOU NEED SOME MORE INFORMATION -- HERE'S SOME MORE.

    A. Almost Boobs
    B. Barely Boobs
    C. Can't Complain
    D. Dang!
    DD. Double Dang!!
    E. Enormous
    F. Fake
    G. Get a Reduction
    H. Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

  7. #27
    Paige Guest

    Smile

    Swamp, Rickey. . . . LMAO

    An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his
    birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing
    it with him.

    After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the
    old lady and pulling at her cloths. He managed to get her blouse
    and bra off before she stopped him.

    She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

    The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits
    I've ever seen."

  8. #28
    Paige Guest

    Smile

    Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing
    how stupid their wives were. The first says, "I tell you, my wife
    is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought
    $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even
    have a fridge big enough to keep it in!

    The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his
    wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000
    on a new car", he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to
    drive!"

    The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two
    women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and
    got hit by every branch.

    However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when
    I think about it", he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation
    to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have
    taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even
    have a penis!"

  9. #29
    blueeyed_dancer78 Guest

    Default Who's the Boss?

    My friend sent this joke to me and I thought it was pretty funny!

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Who's the Boss?

    A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
    As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

    She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

    "I can't wear your pants." she said.

    "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

    With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Here, try these on."

    He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

    "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

    She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Austin Texas
    Posts
    133

    Default the Biker

    Featured Sponsorr

    A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his
    Sportster fixed. They couldn't do it while he
    waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he
    would just walk home. On the way home he stopped
    at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an
    anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock
    dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a
    goose. However, he now had a problem: how to
    carry all of his purchases home.
    The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the
    bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
    under each arm and carry the goose in your other
    hand?"

    "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he
    went. In the parking lot he was approached by a
    little old lady who told him she was lost.

    She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603
    Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a
    matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
    Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
    We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
    said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
    defend me. How do I know that when we get in the
    alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull
    up my skirt, and ravish me?"

    The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a
    bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How
    in heck could I possibly hold you up against the
    wall and do that?"

    The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with
    the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and
    I'll hold the chickens."
    Harley
    ____________________

    Eligible to retire at anytime when it quits being fun Im gone

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