How About A Joke Thread

[blueeyed_dancer78]

I found this one and thought it was funny and oh so true!
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How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut and then sigh deeply and turn away from the mirror.
* Pee (in the toliet).
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray shower with Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check face for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecs. Admire the size of your penis in the mirror, stratch your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use one.
* Wash your armpits.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your privates and surrounding area, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire penis size.
*Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah, baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.

[Paige]

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife.
The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," the man says.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

[Paige]

A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese
men are seated. When she gets to the table, the
waitress notices that the three men are furiously
masturbating.

She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?"

One man replies, "We all very hungry!"

She answers, "But why are you jerking off?"

Another man answers, "Because menu say 'First Come,
First Served!”

[brock landers]

A woman goes to a bar with some girlfriends after work one night. When she walks up to order a drink, a man sitting at the bar leans over and whispers in her ear " I could fill your p*ssy full of ice cream and eat it all."
She runs home, and finds her husband in the Lazy-Boy watching T.V. and he asks how her night was.
"You wouldn't believe what this man at the bar said to me, he said he could fill my p*ssy full of ice cream and eat it all!"
Her husband didn't say anything. Then she said, " Well, aren't you going to do anything about it?"
He replied, " Hell no, I ain't f*ckin' with no one that can eat that much ice cream"

[Paige]

After 29 years of marriage, a woman decided she needed to
do something to spice up her marriage.

She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put
them on, walked up to her husband and said, "Do you want
some of this?"

He replied, "Hell No... Look what it did to those panties!"

[Paige]

This is funny!!

[Paige]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She
turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about
women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch TV,
I think about women. Everything seems to make me think
about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later, a man sat
down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are
you a real cowboy?"

He replied, " I always thought I was, but I just found out
I'm a lesbian.

[harley]

A virile, young Italian gentleman was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom and made love. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile," So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned and admitted, "No."

Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The lovemaking ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No! I Danish."

[Paige]

Q. What do cowpies and cowgirls have in common?
A. The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q. Did you hear about the 150 lb man who had 75 lb testicles?
A. He was half nuts.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both spend more time in your wallet.

Q. What sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mom.

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?
A. A good thing screwed up by a period.

[Paige]

Redneck car alarm. . . . . . . . . . .